Revenge of the Stiff Drink

Like everyone else who cares about American pop culture, the recent Star Wars trilogy offended me as a film lover, as a long-time Star Wars fanatic, and as a sentient, freethinking human who gives a rat’s ass about the product that enters their eye and ear holes.

But episodes one through three of Lucas’ Folly have provided me with some of the most profound entertainment experiences of the millennium, mostly in the form of ad hoc drinking games. After a recent, substance-aided screening of Revenge of the Sith—to these eyes, the most nauseating entry in the sextet—I devised this drinking game. Call it Revenge of the Stiff Drink.

Sip it when 1) any spacecraft takes off or lands (note: This literally happens seven thousand times; in one Revenge of the Sith scene, Obi-Wan’s spacecraft takes off, lands on a booster rocket, then takes off again into hyperspace—that’s three takeoffs/landings in the space of 10 seconds!); or 2) any Jedi acts like a pussy (lightweights beware—this also occurs several thousand times over).

Drink it when 1) R2-D2 displays retroactive technological upgrades; 2) any Jedi forgets that they possess Jedi powers; 3) any robot makes cute robot noises for no particular reason; 4) anyone jumps 50 feet in the air for no particular reason; 5) gratuitous Jimmy Smits (note: Every on-screen appearance by Smits counts as “gratuitous”); 6) Anakin and Padmé talk about their time “at the lake” on Naboo; 7) Anakin talks passionately about democracy; 8) any character uses the word “younglings” to describe children; or 9) Hayden Christensen scowls.

Chug it when 1) Chewbacca gives Yoda a piggyback ride; 2) Anakin and Emperor Palpatine discuss the nature of evil while watching a giant bubble show; 3) Darth Vader screams, “Noooooooooooo!!!”