You used to call me

My past partner would call a few times a day, mostly on weekends, and my hopes would be up for getting together that evening for dinner, or whatever. But when I would call him in the evening, there would be no answer. His answering machine would be turned off. No matter how many times I called, I could not reach him because he was out with another woman. I thought I was No. 1 and put up with him for too long. I left and love myself now. I am grateful for the good parts of the relationship but the hardships, pains and unknowing have taken their toll. Advice?

Protect your tender heart. It attached itself to a man who was not attached to you. If a man you’re interested in calls to chat and doesn’t commit to a date during the call, don’t keep your calendar open. Wishing and hoping he’ll suddenly see how wonderful you are and fall madly for you is a fairy tale. In real life, he can only see how wonderful he is because that’s what you showed him. How? Both of you were focused only on him.

By shifting into self-love, you are reborn. But to ensure authentic change, let’s examine how self-love would have showed up given this man’s behavior. The first time he benched you, you would have forgiven him (anyone can err or lack relationship skills), and explained very clearly how you deserve to be treated. The second time he benches you, you do not respond to his phone calls, and you do not wait for him to ask you out. You cut the tie (delete and block his phone number and social media accounts) and move forward into your life. Self-love equates to self-worth. He’s not worth waiting for, but you are worthy of love and respect.

One last thing: Women often complain about how their partners treat them. But we learn how to behave in a relationship by being in relationships. If we tolerate unhealthy, unkind or disrespectful behavior, we teach people that such behavior is acceptable. If we speak up, we may lose a potential love interest but we prepare that person to mature in love for their next partner. And that’s agape love in action for the world.

My wife left me and has already replaced me. I went by to drop some things off, and there’s another woman living with her. My wife wants a divorce. I’m devastated. How can she do this?

She didn’t replace you, honey. You are irreplaceable. But the marriage was clearly over for her long ago. She may have a new love. She may have a new roommate. She may have had a friend present to avoid facing you alone. None of it matters, though, because the woman who was your wife has separated from you and is separating from the life you shared. You can argue against reality, as you have been doing, and sink deeper into despair, anger and depression. Or accept her choice and make proactive, life-giving choices of your own. Everything boils down to this: How would you prefer to live?