Worst movie ever Mad Libbed

Battleship has to be the worst game of all time.

Think about it—this game requires no skill or strategy whatsoever. If you can count to 10, recite the alphabet up to J and think in two dimensions, you’ve essentially mastered Battleship.

And what kind of brilliant military strategy is it to randomly drop bombs without any sense of what they’re going to hit? The collateral damage from Battleship would be unimaginably devastating. “We missed the enemy’s destroyer, but we annihilated Guam, sir. It was smack-dab in the middle of H5.” If Gen. George S. Patton ran that game plan, we’d all be speaking German right now. I’m just saying.

But what’s the best game, or at least the best whose official rules don’t contain the word chugging? For the sake of this bit, I’m going to say Mad Libs, the wacky word fill-in game that has both saved and destroyed countless family road trips since its 1953 creation. To that end, I present my own creation, entitled The Worst Movie Ever Mad Libbed:

Shia LeBeouf and _____ [Baldwin brother, non-Alec] star in this _____ [adjective] supernatural thriller from _____ [scatological adjective] director Michael Bay. LeBeouf plays _____ [man’s name], a streetwise, wiseacre _____ [cutesy profession] who befriends a _____ [synonym for “sassy”] CGI alien (voiced by Dane Cook) from the _____ [adjective] planet of Toysarrus. The alien is being chased by an evil _____ [hot-button white-male paranoid fantasy], so LeBeouf grabs a burger at _____ [fast-food chain], hits the _____ [international banking conglomerate] ATM and _____ [present-tense verb] into action in his brand-new _____ [practically defunct American car model]. The film commences with an excruciating, _____ [number above 70]-minute action sequence that should prove _____ [adverb] offensive to _____, _____ and _____ [various ethnic minorities]. Gwyneth Paltrow co-stars.