World’s worst border-patrol agent gets a TV show

Dear Mexican:

I have a question for you about los mexicanos and the Transportation Security Administration, my most hated useless government agency. I heard that TSA does illegal Immigration and Customs Enforcement dragnets at airports to catch illegal aliens. My problem with TSA is that I get pulled aside for “special screening” every single time that I fly. It is infuriating. The first part of my question: Does getting targeted by the TSA happen to you or other mexicanos? How can I stop this TSA harassment from happening, short of wearing a gabacha wig to try to “look more American”? It’s humiliating to get treated like that by the asshole TSA agents, and it pisses me off that they are abusing their power to target mexicanos. C’mon, TSA: Your job is to protect travelers of all nationalities to fly safely, not to do unlawful dragnets to target immigrants. Am I getting searched every single time for other reasons, and not really being wrongly racially profiled by clueless TSA agents?

—Too Spic-ish Asshole

Dear TSA:

While I’m more than happy to decry anti-Mexican harassment at the drop of a sombrero, let’s remember that the TSA chinga all passengers: I’ve seem them pull aside gabacha grannies on wheelchairs and towheaded toddlers. Besides, racial profiling at airports was going on long before 9/11: Per a 2002 report by the American Civil Liberties Union, “A General Accounting Office study revealed that approximately 67 percent of the passengers subjected to personal searches upon entering the United States were people of color. Black and Latino Americans were four to nine times as likely as white Americans to be x-rayed after being frisked or patted down.” The TSA is about as effective as migra, and nowhere near as loveable.

Why is it when Mexican families get together for any reason, it always turns into an impromptu talent show? We berate little kids until they break down and “Sing that song, or do that dance you do, andale! Si no, te va llevar el viejillo señor. Aver, señor, venga por mi hija que no quiere cantar.” You think maybe all families do this, or is it just a Mexican thing? Maybe we’re trying to recreate Sábado Gigante at home?

—Buscando las Estrellas con Don Francisco

Dear Mexican Star Search:

You’re wrong. Remember that Simpsons episode when Grandpa Simpson makes Bart and Lisa sing the Armour Hot Dogs song to amuse Marge’s mami? Don’t forget that Los Simpsones remains the most Mexican show to ever appear on network television, making the George Lopez show seem as raza as Duck Dynasty. And, speaking of historical Fox animated programs, the Mexican is thrilled to announce his 2014 project: Bordertown, scheduled to debut this fall! The show (with Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane as one of the producers, and Chicano legend Lalo Alcaraz as one of five Latinos on the writing staff—and if you include the Jewish guy from Miami, that’s six!) will deal with the world’s worst border-patrol agent, Bud Buckwald, and his chingón Mexican neighbor, Ernesto Gonzales. I’m only a part-timer as a consultant who’s mostly going to be offering notes, but I’ve already seen scripts—amazing, hilarious and spot-on about what it means to be Mexican in America right now: the pochos, the immigrants, the nerds and narcos. Senate Bill 1070 and Zacatecas. Hispandering and the military-industrial complex. Pozole and “El Son de los Aguacates.” The writer’s room is a perfect mix of young guns and vets from legendary shows (South Park, The Simpsons, Mr. Show, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, Futurama and the Family Guy empire, among others), all knowing full well that they’re writing a pioneering program—and that it has to be pinche funny, or no one will care. Stay tuned for developments in this columna, and start telling your 486 cousins to start spreading the word now!