When you love it, why leave it?

One patriot’s guide to homestead security on Memorial Day, Independence Day and every day

This article was published on 05.25.06

America didn’t invent summer, but we sure did perfect it. Round these Sacamenna parts, summer’s the best gol-durn season we got, and if you ask this True American, there’s only one right way to celebrate it: on our own property. Oh, there’s nothing wrong with a stroll by the Betsy Ross-blue waters of our American River; or a little bit of national-pastime action with God’s chosen 18AA Division team, the Sacramento Patriots; or, if it’s just too dang hot out, feeling the breeze of air-conditioned democracy in a tour of the ol’ Capitol Rotunda. That’s all fine and dandy. Just don’t forget to check that National Terror Alert before leaving the house, citizen!

Call the True American an isolationist, but he doesn’t need to get out much—not when he knows how to keep his personal homeland so stylish and secure. We got two country-lovin’ holidays coming right up on us, and there’s no reason you can’t fix up your own headquarters—and your person—as patriotic as possible. There’s no excuse not to, either.

Martha Stewart meets Martha Washington

Nothing shouts “Bomb this, Osama” like hoisting that Old Glory up high above your domicile. For that, Home Depot stocks a seasonal flagpole-installation kit ($69) right around this time of year. Now, this ain’t no temporary just-for-the-Fourth piece of business; this here is a permanent, concrete-in-the-ground, hope-the-house’s-next-owner-ain’t-a-liberal flagpole. You’d just better be sure to bone up on your Flag Code—sing it, now: “Section 8c! Always aloft and free!”—’cause the True American will be watching.

In addition to the very fabric of our nation’s strength, most everything you can stick in your yard—from lawn jockeys to hose cozies—is available in a stars-and-stripes theme. Too bad so much of it’s made in China, no doubt in an effort to steal our precious jobs. Anyway, just remember: If your favorite lawn-decoration makers choose to take their freedom for granted and don’t stock red-white-and-blue merchandise, just go ahead and buy one in each of those three great colors. You’ll even be helping to stimulate our great nation’s economy!

Party America encourages you to party, America

When it comes to eating off, and wiping your face with, history’s greatest emblem of democracy, there’s plenty of options to rent or buy. For temporary types, Rent Rite offers a 12-person party with standard tables and chairs, along with Stars and Stripes-adorned tablecloths, paper plates, napkins and confetti (all for under $50). But the True American hopes you’ll celebrate the birth of these United States every chance you get, and Party America hopes so, too. This little mom-and-pop has stores in 45 states (let’s try to get that number up, OK people?) and has your permanent patriotic party needs covered. We’re talking inflatable coolers, centerpieces, streamers, pinwheels, headbands—even patriotic paddle balls. It’s easy as apple pie to make your home a beacon of liberty both outside and in with Party America’s 50-foot-long Scene Setter Room Rolls ($17.99). These wall-decoration decals come in a variety of loyal designs, with plenty of add-ons, like the 30-inch eagle and Liberty Bell set, or the 5-foot Statue of Liberty ($2.49 each).

Although the True American prefers to keep ’em seen and not heard like his grandpappy taught him, your little future-war heroes deserve some freedom-themed fun this summer, too. Bob’s Bouncing Bungalows is proud to rent out red-white-and-blue bounce houses ($150 a day) and water slides ($175 a day) for your little soldiers to enjoy any day of the week.

In grill we trust

Come the Fourth of July, any patriot worth his salt knows it’s time to go all out. Of course, our Golden State’s strict fireworks laws make it real difficult for folks to express their undying nationalism through big, pretty explosions. But if the True American sees his neighbors out on their fresh-mowed lawns lighting up the pyrotechnics, well, you won’t hear him complaining. And no, he won’t tell you to go out and hunt down a terrorist yourself this July (he won’t tell you not to, either), but for the love of Dubya, at least have yourself a BBQ! Even not having your own grill—and don’t try any of that sissy vegetarian talk—ain’t no excuse to avoid searing some steaks in the name of independence. Aba Daba Rentals offers a grill so choice that when the True American first laid eyes on it, well, those eyes might just have teared up some. This eight-burner beaut ($103 a day) weighs in at a manly 206 pounds and requires several people and a pickup truck to transport it. With just over 1,000 square inches of cooking space, you can torch enough beef to feed your own army.

True Americans take the pain

As long as they’re not dirty commies, most folks have at least one or two pieces of patriotic apparel hanging in their closet, ready for this time of year. But why not take it to the next level and show everyone that you really do bleed red, white and blue? Bill Liberty of Liberty Tattoo (the True American’s only choice) says he’s inked every variation on the Stars and Stripes that you can imagine. Whether it’s a flag wrapped up in a heart, a leg-sized Lady Liberty or an eagle spreading his wings across somebody’s back, ol’ Bill has seen and done it all. Most tattoo shops run you $150 and beyond for this type of work, but isn’t that a small price to pay to make your love of country permanent? Meanwhile, for the little woman, most any manicurist in town can slap on some Old Glorious nails for a fraction of that rate.

Finally, the time seems right to say that while nobody loves a chance to party down in the name of military prowess like the True American, this Memorial Day, like all of them, is also a somber, serious occasion. Show some class with Relles Florist’s Salute to a Patriot™ bouquet ($107.50 and up). That’s red roses, white carnations and blue larkspur. Don’t you know somebody who deserves one? And how about another for your own hearth?

Well, by now some of you out there may be thinking, “But, True American, isn’t all this vivid patriotic hoopla just a little bit of overkill?” To which the True American responds: Shut your pie holes, you hippie traitors.

—The True American