What a gay wants

Just when you think it’s safe to relax in your monogamous, long-term relationship, here comes Valentine’s Day. First, the Sacramento County Board of Supervisors passed a resolution in support of healthy marriage without consideration or even a mention of all the gay and lesbian couples in the county who can’t get married. The Board certainly didn’t pass a resolution in support of Freedom to Marry week. Then Yolo County Clerk-Recorder Freddie Oakley, tired of turning away same-sex couples in search of marriage licenses empty-handed, presented the nuptially deprived with lovely “Certificates of Inequality.” For this, she earned protests outside her church the Sunday before Valentine’s Day, as well as protesters outside her office. Once again, the specter of the dreaded “gay agenda” was raised.

Frankly, the “gay agenda” isn’t all that complicated or secret. In fact, it’s right here:

1. Equal rights under the law.

2. Freedom from fear of harassment or assault because of sexual orientation or gender identity.

3. Well-decorated bathrooms with candles, fragrant soaps and guest towels. Iconic photos of Judy Garland or Bette Midler are optional.

4. Comfortable, stylish shoes.

5. The freedom to wear makeup. Or not.

6. An end to fake “lesbian” television programming, especially during sweeps periods. If women are kissing each other on television, it shouldn’t be for the titillation of heterosexual male viewers. Really, guys—we don’t want you to watch. We’re not even thinking about you.

7. Reduce paperwork: luggage space is at a premium. We’re tired of carrying a medical power of attorney, a durable power of attorney, a will/trust/legal partnership and all sorts of other paperwork whenever we travel to make sure that we don’t end up kicked out of a hospital room on a whim of homophobia.

8. No more psycho gay serial-killer movies. There aren’t that many serial killers, and almost all of them are straight.

9. “Faggots” are bundles of kindling. “Dikes” are earthen walls designed to hold back water. “Breeders” are nuclear reactors. Words matter. Choose them carefully.

10. An end to all the praying and sermonizing about what goes on in our bedrooms. Not only is that a small part of a committed adult relationship, it’s none of your business. We don’t fuck in your church. However, if you don’t knock it off, we might be tempted to try it in the pews, which would be really, really disgusting. Not to mention uncomfortable.