We love capitalism

Some ill-informed naysayers out there claim that the United States’ evolution—oops!—divine transition from a democracy to something like Russia’s corporate police state is a bad thing. To reduce the likelihood that some of you may end up in Guantanamo for such un-American thoughts, I put together this little guide to some of the “value added” features of so-called “unrestrained” free-market capitalism that you may have overlooked:

First, are you unhappy with high prices for U.S.-produced foods and basic construction materials that we now sell (and compete for) on the world market? Would you deny a fellow global citizen the opportunity to buy the food off your plate for the right price? Wouldn’t you want to sell your cement to the highest bidder? Dude, pop a movie into your imported $20 DVD player (made with alleged slave labor) and count your blessings!

Are you losing your home? While it is tempting to be angry at mortgage and property-buying speculators for driving up the cost of housing (and competing with and/or driving out first-time home-buying families), this so-called burst bubble—err, financial correction—has created affordable housing. For those with jobs. Maybe.

Are you envious of family dynasties who have the best lawyers and politicians working hard to preserve and enhance their incredible wealth? If you work loyally and hard your whole life for a large, Enron-type corporation with little government regulation, you have at least the same chance of becoming wealthy as you would buying a lottery ticket. Please keep in mind we are talking about “opportunity” here, not “odds.”

The beauty of capitalism is that it is untroubled by conflicting religious, moral or ethical beliefs, but has a built in interest in keeping its consumers alive. Indeed, diversity equals choice and conflict equals consumption—and both expand market potential, as long as everyone continues buying goods and weapons at generic BoxMarts.

The obscene wealth generated by ungovernable, supranational free-market capitalism is the epitome of the universal base greed that we all have. By purchasing the very best advertising and politicians money can buy, capitalism assures its survival and enhancement by keeping us obedient loyal customers.

Remember, the key is “value added,” not “family values.” High five!