War on ‘Happy New Year!’

Something insidious is at work. The new year has just begun, and I’ve written checks for various things. Incredibly, not once have I written “2005” in the date slot. This is unprecedented with me, and perhaps with all check-writing humans. Why am I so acutely aware that it’s 2006? How could I have adapted so quickly?

I hadn’t given it much thought, but as I was finishing up at work yesterday by wrapping up a phone call, the person on the other end concluded the call by saying, “Happy 2006!”

The phrase echoed through my mind like a really bad simile. Yes, it’s 2006. I’d heard this phrase a lot in the previous days, and it occurred to me that I’d heard it around the start of previous years.

“Happy 2005!”

“Happy 2004!”

You get the idea.

And out of the blue, it hit me: This is a war on “Happy New Year!”

America is falling apart; we’re at war; real wages are down; 45 million people don’t have health insurance; and the multi-culti, neo-hippie, liberal, godless scum were waging a PC war on the start of the year. The blood ran cold through my veins.

I called a random number, and when someone answered, I yelled, “Happy New Year!” The man at the other end screamed at me and slammed down the phone. “Maybe I just accidentally called the president of the local ACLU,” I thought. I kept calling random numbers, hour after hour, until 3 or 4 in the morning, and the response was the same, or worse.

“We know it’s 2006! What’s wrong with you?”

The media had done a nearly flawless job of brainwashing regular Americans with this “Happy 2006!” blasphemy. There can be no other explanation for the increasingly hostile responses I receive as I continue to scream “Happy New Year!” while walking around the neighborhood or visiting local elder-care facilities.

This is far too important to just give in to PC thugs, and I vow to continue greeting friends and strangers alike with gleeful shouts of “Happy New Year!” well into the summer months. Howard Dean and Hillary Clinton are not going to rob this American of another joyous celebration.

If you don’t like it, move to France.