Vocations and their correlative clinical conditions

News came last week that Dr. Drew Pinsky, the longtime host of Loveline, has researched the personalities of celebrities and determined that they are narcissistic. Having lamented the dearth of pre-existing scholarship in this area, Pinsky and his University of Southern California colleague, entertainment business professor S. Mark Young, discovered that celebrities scored significantly higher Narcissistic Personality Inventory ratings than do average Americans.

The findings, soon to be published in the Journal of Research in Personality, have drawn some criticism. For instance, Pinsky’s former Loveline co-host, Adam Carolla told the L.A. Times, “Who cares? Is this groundbreaking, that celebrities are narcissistic? I mean, this is like you found out Liberace was gay.”

We, however, applaud Pinsky and Young’s rigorous intellectual curiosity and appreciate any proper scientific effort to increase awareness of the various mental disorders wrought and exacerbated by popular culture. In that spirit, we therefore propose similar research in other areas, as itemized in no particular order of priority below.

1. Phlebotomists: vampirism

2. California gubernatorial re-election campaign staffers: sociopathy

3. Trial lawyers: pleonexia (clinical avarice)

4. Construction workers: chronic procrastination

5. Talk-radio program hosts: Tourette’s syndrome

6. Car salesmen: histrionic personality disorder

7. Commercial real-estate developers: anthophobia (fear of flowers)

8. Owners of athletic teams: Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy

9. Pirates: kleptomania

10. Journalists: delusional disorders, persecution complex, sadism