Vanity patrol

All the king’s men: Every picayune potentate needs a posse, and Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s is more impressive than most. The king of ka-lee-forn-ee-ah never goes anywhere without his taxpayer-funded palace guard, comprised of a half-dozen or so uniformed CHP officers in squad cars and on motorcycles and … well, just who are those arrogant guys with the black SUVs, ear buds and wraparound shades serving on der Schwarzenführer’s secret service?

If you ask Bites, they look and act a lot like the hired guns described in investigative journalist Jeremy Scahill’s new book, Blackwater: The Rise of the World’s Most Powerful Mercenary Army, first mentioned in this space last week. The idea that Blackwater USA provides, or at least trains, the governor’s bodyguards isn’t so far-fetched. After all, that’s precisely the sort of protective services Blackwater provides and, up until last week at least, it was believed that the company had met with the Schwarzenegger administration, based on the reporting in Scahill’s book and the Virginian-Pilot newspaper. (More on that later.)

They say everything changed after 9/11. Perhaps so. But Bites wonders: Is the capital really all that more dangerous of a place since the days when Gov. Jerry Brown wandered the streets in a terrycloth robe and drove himself to work in a state-issued Plymouth Satellite? Did Gov. Gray Davis require a full-blown SWAT team riding shotgun over him in order to take a pee? Or is Arnold’s expensive security detail more a function of the celebrity he brought with him to the governing gig and, if so, why and how much are we paying for it?

Never ever land: Alas! As the Foundation for Taxpayer and Consumer Rights discovered after filing several Public Records Act requests in 2005, the man who pledged to “open the government up to sunshine” has refused to shed light on the cost of his taxpayer-funded vanity patrol. Both the governor’s office and the CHP declined to respond to FTCR’s requests, citing “reasons of security.” Bites was told the same story after calling both offices last week.

In addition, chief Bübengrabber mouthpiece Aaron McLear, who was quick to respond to this space’s query once “Blackwater” was mentioned, told Bites in no uncertain terms that neither the governor nor a member of his staff has ever met with anyone from Blackwater.

Never ever.

Blackwater also denied the company has met with Schwarzenegger. Last July, the Virginian-Pilot reported the company had met with the governor to discuss providing private emergency services to California during natural disasters such as earthquakes. When Blackwater flack Anne Tyrrell was told the newspaper stands by its story, she hedged and said a meeting had been scheduled, but then canceled and never rescheduled. By the way, she added, Blackwater doesn’t provide personnel or training to Schwarzenegger’s security detail.

Well, that answers that question.

Hate mail: To further convince Bites that no meeting between Blackwater and the guv has ever taken place, the firm’s Seattle-based hired gun, attorney John W. Phillips, threatened legal action via e-mail, fax and letter just moments before SN&R went to press last week.

“It is my understanding that you may intend to state that Blackwater met with Governor Schwarzenegger or his staff and that both the Governor’s office and Blackwater are attempting to conceal their hidden relationship,” the attorney warned. “Such reporting would be utterly false, and Blackwater hereby places you on notice that it will deem any such reporting as a malicious and reckless attempt to injure Blackwater’s reputation.”

How tender the wounded beast! Bites claims no such special knowledge. Bites does know that the deputy director of the governor’s Office of Homeland Security, Chris Bertelli, served as the chief spokesman for Blackwater before joining the Schwarzenegger administration. Bites also knows that Blackwater is proposing to build a highly unpopular 824-acre mercenary boot camp in eastern San Diego County. Does all of this imply that Bites knows of a hidden relationship between Blackwater and the governor?

Of course not. Hidden relationships, by their very definition, are hidden, and Bites would have no way of knowing.