Tower of confusion

Stephen King, they say, considers The Dark Tower his magnum opus: eight books published between 1982 and 2004, with elements of horror, science fiction, the supernatural, the American Wild West, Britain’s Arthurian Legend, King’s other books, books by other authors, and Robert Browning’s poetry. Its protagonist is Roland Deschain, last of a knightly class called Gunslingers, questing for the Dark Tower, which holds the universe and its parallel worlds together. Roland’s antagonists are the Crimson King and his agent the Man in Black, who goes by many names.

King’s readers, those who have made their way through all 4,250 pages in the series, share the author’s enthusiasm for this welter of worlds and times and characters with names like Cuthbert Allgood, Dinky Earnshaw, and Finli O’Tego. What they will make of the pallid little movie that director Nikolaj Arcel has made of it (or what King himself will think) is anybody’s guess.

Arcel and his co-writers Akiva Goldsman, Jeff Pinkner, and Anders Thomas Jensen shoulder Roland Deschain aside in favor of that favorite hero in the Age of Harry Potter, a put-upon adolescent with mysterious powers that can save the universe. This is Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor), whose firefighter father died a hero’s death a year ago. Jake’s mom has moved on, even remarried, but he can’t; instead, he’s haunted by visions of Roland, the Dark Tower, the Man in Black, and monsters wearing human faces.

Jake’s mother, thinking these are merely manifestations of his grief, arranges for a psychiatric weekend retreat. But Jake recognizes the people who come to kidnap him as the disguised monsters from his visions, and he escapes. Following up on another vision, he finds a portal to another world, where he finally meets Gunslinger Roland (Idris Elba). Roland takes him to a seer who can interpret his visions, and the seer tells him that the Man in Black (Matthew McConaughey) is on his trail—it seems Jake has a psychic “shine” that the Man can harness to destroy the Dark Tower. Instead, Jake and Roland resolve to use those powers to save the Tower and destroy the Man in Black.

Oh jeez, let’s not go on. Fact is, the synopsis I just gave makes more sense than the whole movie. Cutting to the chase, the actors and the visual effects crew do what they can (though McConaughey sinks quickly to low camp and stays there), but The Dark Tower is way too familiar and just plain dull. The cross-genre elements that make up King’s series here simply play as clichés.

That’s what happens, I guess, when you boil 4,000 pages down to 95 minutes. The Dark Tower books have flummoxed far better filmmakers than Arcel: J.J. Abrams wrestled for two years, Ron Howard for five, before giving up (Howard remains as one of the movie’s 11 producers), and Arcel’s version bombed in test screenings and was sent back for reshooting, its release pushed back from January to now. And after all that, it turns out the movie is just the forerunner for a TV series, also with Elba and Taylor, coming in 2018.

Great. I just spent $13.70 to watch a third-rate TV pilot. A fool and his money.