The way out

My boyfriend gets angry at me about things that I know for a fact I’m not doing. At least once a week he vanishes for a couple days. When we are together, his phone will start ringing but he never answers in front of me. He just powers it off. I think he is sleeping with someone else. He says that I’m the only one in his life, and I should know he loves me. He swears he doesn’t lie. If I break up with him today and tomorrow he has a new girlfriend then I will know I was right. Should I stop seeing him?

How do you feel about death? I ask because a break-up is the death of a relationship. Clinging to a connection that overflows with tension, suspicion, mistrust and anger is not wise self-care. Have you explored why you hang on?

If death frightens you, excavate another emotion with which to meet the end of things. Let nature be your teacher. She will show you how to befriend death as life’s partner, two peas in the pod of the universe, dancing in sync with each other. Without the ability to accept endings, we loiter in relationship purgatory, suffering. The way out is to develop the skill of recognizing when spirit, honesty, passion and commitment have slipped away and will not return.

Instead of waiting for your man to leave you, why not choose to exit gracefully? It doesn’t matter if he has a new girlfriend. That relationship might be as awful as the one you have with him. But even if his new girlfriend is his soul mate, who cares? Be grateful he’s gone and you’re free. A life without accusations, arguments and abandonment would be a vacation compared to what you’ve chosen to tolerate.

When I read your letters from people who are unhappy, despite being busy and involved in life, it’s obvious that religion is what is missing in their lives. It’s so sad that the obvious problem is a lack of devotion to the highest priority. Why do you omit such a reference?

Why do you think that I do? If I need to say “God” or quote Scripture for someone to understand that I am speaking of God, one of us has failed in our capacity to love God and our neighbor as ourselves.

Religion itself is not a savior. It does not rescue people from feelings of unhappiness. Religion is an institutionalized path to one group’s idea of who God is and is not, while providing instruction on how to please that God. The one true God is bigger than any religion. An enlightened religion trusts this truth. It also understands that devotion to a religion’s disciplines is intended to nurture the soul’s expansion, but too often feeds the ego’s attitude of superiority. Devotion to a religion or spiritual path may also compel us beyond that religion. Then we become mystics, those whose devotion to God is so complete, their very existence threatens much of what a religion has come to believe is sacred. Thank God for that! It’s the only way religions change for good.