The United States of Mexico?

Dear Mexican:

I can’t help thinking of Mexico as a tea-party paradise. Mexican taxes are very low. There are few regulations, and environmentalists, socialists and liberals are few and far between. There is no Obamacare, and Mexico is the home of Carlos Slim, the world’s richest man, a tribute to Mexican crony capitalism. Apparently, carrying guns and using them is no problem, regardless of the laws, and there is that priceless opportunity of shooting a “bad” guy. Certainly, Mexico would benefit from an infusion of our tea-party “patriots”! Perhaps Mexico could send a delegation of some of the babes from Estrella TV to a tea-party convention to convince the tea party that Mexico is its true home?

—Pan Blanco de Rio Rancho

Why is it that right-wing Republicans are trying their damned hardest to turn America into Mexico when they press for laws that make the rich richer, remove regulations and turn out the poor onto the streets to fend for themselves and die? They are jealous of the wealthy Mexican oligarchs that run that country with no concern for the poor. They would love it if they could torture anyone who disagreed with them, asked to spend their taxes on lazy unemployed folks or any other “socialism,” all in the name of Jesus Christ.

—Koch Blocker

Dear Gabachos:

Dual tea party-esque interpretations of Mexico—love it. Both legit, by the way. Pan: Damn straight Mexico is a libertarian paradise, and that portions of the country are government-free, ruled by those who have bullets and money. Koch: Damn straight the GOP establishment wants to turn the United States into Mexico at its worst, a Darwinian wasteland where money rules above all and the government governs solely for the rich. The missing analysis for both of you, however, are the Mexicans themselves: We belong to the Tequila Party.

I’m Mexican and very proud of it! I came to the United States 20 years ago, and the first thing besides getting a job and working very hard was enrolling in GED classes. One of the things that makes me mad is that some people in the same situation as mine don’t want to learn English and get better opportunities. Are they huevones or what? I got my education in Mexico and I also went to college here. I am sick and tired of the stereotypes people gives to Mexicans, that we are all cholos and cochinos. I love my culture but la neta, some people de a tiro la chinga … no quieren progresar. ¡Qué se pongan en acción! Learn English! It’s better to be bilingual que nada. ¡Apantallen a los gringos que nada más saben un idioma!

—Baja’s Chick

Dear Chica:

I agree 100 porciento, but don’t be so harsh on your paisanos. Immigrants throughout this nation’s history have learned English, but not all of them, and always to their detriment—and they know this. A 2007 Pew Hispanic Center report found 71 percent of Mexican immigrants surveyed reported they spoke little to no English, the largest proportion of all Latino groups in this country. Sounds like a bola of dummies, but they ain’t—a 2006 Pew study found 96 percent of Latino immigrants felt it was important to teach English to their children, a ratio even higher than what gabachos felt. Even more telling, only 2 percent of those immigrants felt it wasn’t important for their niños to learn inglés; meanwhile, a disturbing 27 percent of non-Latinos think Mexi kids don’t have to learn the language, the better to keep raza down.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK: You want to join activist circles, angry Mexicans? Look no further than Presente.org, a group probably most famous for getting that pendejo Lou Dobbs (remember him?) off CNN. More info at—where else?—http://presente.org.