The Schvitzenator

Contrary to what regular readers of this column might imagine, I’ve learned a thing or two from California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. No. 1, this nifty bent-over arm curl that’ll make your biceps pop right off their tendons; No. 2, this sort of double-hitch maneuver on the seated calf machine that will mold your calves into diamonds.

I learned both of these moves watching Arnold work out at the Capital Athletic Club, the finest gym in California, if not the entire western United States. Full disclosure: SN&R has a longtime relationship with CAC, which includes gym memberships for SN&R employees. But even if I didn’t enjoy the perk, I’d advise anyone shopping local for a gym to take a serious look at CAC. It’s freakin’ palatial.

The club is located at Eighth and P streets, eight blocks from the Capitol building where Arnold gave his annual State of the State speech last week. I haven’t seen the governor down at the gym lately, and it showed in his undisciplined oratory. He did his best to ride President Barack Obama’s hope-and-change coattails, but before you knew it he was rambling on about the drumbeat of “bailouts, bankruptcies and Ponzi schemes” as if he’d turned over his own billion-dollar blind trust fund to Bernie Madoff.

Who knows? Maybe he did. As is becoming painfully obvious to ordinary Americans, Madoff’s bookkeeping methods aren’t the exception on Wall Street, they’re the rule. Arnold, I’m talking directly to you now. I know Goldman Sachs et al. have helped fund your political career for years. Nevertheless, it’s time to ditch these losers and become the progressive, populist mama Maria has always wanted you to be.

Come back to the gym, Arnold, and R.V. will help take you there.

We can start out slow at first, on the elliptical machines on the far side of the upstairs aerobics room, away from the TVs. If you need glasses to read, bring them, because we’re going to go over economist Robert Kuttner’s stimulus proposal. Kuttner’s proposition is so simple, yet so direct and to the point, I believe it warrants your attention. In a nutshell, here’s what he suggests: Gather up all your governor pals and demand that President Obama and Congress immediately fork over $200 billion, the total budget deficit of all 50 states combined.

Think about it, Arnold. California’s entire $50 billion deficit wiped out overnight. You could quit laying off state workers and hire back the ones you’ve let go. You could restore vital services to women and children. You’d be a genuine folk hero, bigger than Garth Brooks.

It’s going to take some work, of course. First of all, no more references to Ronald Reagan in your speeches. The kids don’t even know who that is. Secondly, even though California is only the world’s eighth largest economy, can’t we hedge it a bit and say it’s the fifth or sixth largest? Thirdly, and most importantly, when we have our little talks, I’d like to do it sans handlers and your security detail.

Of course, that might not be possible in the crowded aerobics workout room. That’s why I suggest we consider meeting downstairs, in CAC’s unbelievably spacious sauna facility. There’s a whirlpool bath bigger than a backyard swimming pool, a scorching dry-heat sauna and the best steam bath in Sacramento. Oh yeah, and unlimited towel use.

We’ll be naked, of course, which should satisfy your security detail that I’m unarmed. If you like, we can station a suit at each entrance. I’ve already swept the area for surveillance devices, and it’s squeaky clean.

Arnold, I know this must seem like an unusual request. Frankly, I wouldn’t be making it if I didn’t think your handlers were steering you so wrong. There’s opportunity here, for a clever man. You’ve always called yourself the people’s governor, and with my help, that’s exactly what you can become.

I’m generally in the aerobics room or the weight room weeknights, 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. Saturday afternoon might be better, as less people frequent the sauna during that time period. See you soon.