The Lone Ranger

Radio and TV's daring “masked rider of the plains” takes a vicious beating at the hands of producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Gore Verbinski, flushed and overconfident with their Pirates of the Caribbean success. They signal their intentions early on, when Tonto (Johnny Depp) drags the Ranger (Armie Hammer) through a pile of steaming horseshit. And that's precisely what Bruckheimer and Verbinski proceed to do for two-and-a-half endless, leaden hours. The movie is an eye-glazing parade of frontier grunge, lame comedy and Rube Goldberg CGI action scenes devoid of excitement. The original radio and TV versions found their audience in hero-worshipping kids; this one caters to sneering baby boomers embarrassed that they ever liked it. Written (poorly) by Justin Haythe, Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio.