The Happy Hour Issue: Dirt-cheap drinks

After hours of grinding away your sanity to stave off whatever capitalistic coercions are at your neck today, there’s nothing better than dipping into nihilistic escapism with the help of our favorite numbing agent. Alcohol’s primary appeal is that it kills both the body and the mind, and the nice thing about it is that society works extra hard to make sure that even the poor—especially the poor—have access to it. If you favor quantity over lifespan, here are your most cost-effective options for forgetting that it’s only Tuesday.

Get sticky

Old Tavern Bar & Grill

Sometimes a cheap beer isn’t the same if you’re not surrounded by a certain style of stickiness. Who wants to drink with folks who can afford cleanliness, anyway? Old Tavern’s it’s-an-actual-bar-oh-thank-God aesthetic wards off all sorts of decent people, leaving the rest of us to properly enjoy our $7 pitchers in peace. Of course, that’s a 24/7 thing at Old Tavern, but it’s still better than most happy hours. Other round-the-clock specials include $3.25 wells and Miller High Life for $1.75. Plus, there’s one pool table, a big, wonderful patio and bathrooms where the exposed Sheetrock somehow seems like a relative courtesy to the customer. 1510 20th Street, (916) 444-5595.

So many shirtless cowboys

The Mercantile Saloon

The main problem with most bars is a sickening dearth of shirtless cowboy studs. Thankfully, the Merc is loaded with them, as long as we’re talking about the dudely pictures on the wall. The perfect retreat from the more clubby venues of Lavender Heights, the Merc will give you the $4 double well drinks and $7 pitchers that your shitty body craves, and it’ll be an absolute blast the whole way through. Find these heavy-duty deals 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. 1928 L Street, (916) 447-0792

Maximize your cheap

Petra Greek

They may have carved this place out of a rather narrow hallway, but in this magical hallway you can find cans of Olympia for $1 from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. on any given day. Have you ever had an Olympia? It’s the best beer that was ever pissed, at a rate competitive with what you can get by buying a 12-pack and staying at home to watch your cats hiss at each other. You can also get a Mythos for $2.50 and some Pelagos wine for $4, but you’re not truly maxing and relaxing at that rate. Go cheap or (and) go home. 1122 16th Street, www.petragreek.com.

Grease it up

Uncle Vito’s Slice of N.Y.

You and your pals have had a bunch of drinks. Hundreds of them. You’re simultaneously infinitely aware and utterly ignorant of the impermanence of your being. Better get you some grease and another beer before you start talking to your friends about radical freedom again. Vito’s will dome you with both a stein of brew and a slab of a slice for $5, and you aren’t forced into Bud Light and pepperoni, either. (No judgment should you walk that crowded road, though.) Not even Little Caesar’s is courageous enough to cut a deal like that, and that pizza isn’t even real. The only trick is that the timing is a bit complicated for any drunkard for figure out: You can max out your $5 from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Friday, and then later at night, there are windows from 11:30 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. Thursday through Saturday and from 10 p.m. to 11 p.m. Sunday through Wednesday. 1501 16th Street, www.unclevito.com.