The dos and don'ts of how to behave at a medical-cannabis dispensary

So, you finally got around to getting a letter from the doctor allowing you to use cannabis in the state of California. Congratulations! You are now ready for your first visit to a cannabis dispensary.

As you walk into a dispensary, you will most likely see your friendly, neighborhood dispensary security guard. They will want to see your letter of recommendation and your California ID. After they have seen your bona fides, you will enter the waiting-room area of the club and someone on the staff will ask you to fill out a membership form while they make a copy of your ID and doctor’s letter. The form will ask for the usual information, and it will inform you of the club’s rules and guidelines.

When I worked at a dispensary in the early aughts, we would also give new members a speech to reinforce and stress the importance of following the rules. But clubs don’t do this as much anymore. I guess it’s because they figure you have been to a dispensary before. After your paperwork is verified, you will get to enter the club proper.

Here’s how to act:

Do not panic: It can be a little overwhelming if you have never been to a club before. Most dispensaries these days carry an incredible variety of cannabis, concentrates, salves, sprays, inhalers, pens, edibles, barbeque sauces, blah blah blah, yadda yadda. There will be many options to consider, but don't panic.

Do tell your budtender if it is your first time: They will talk you through it. Many dispensaries offer special deals and discounts to new members. Your budtender will most likely ask you about your medical condition and your past experiences with cannabis. After this talk with your budtender, they should be able to lead you to products that will best suit your needs. Keep in mind that everyone is different, and it may take you a few tries to find the cannabis product that works best for you. Hey, experimenting with cannabis is fun.

Don’t use slang: Try to keep your language professional. Use words like “cannabis” and “concentrates” instead of words like “weed” and “hash.”

Do follow your nose: When it comes to deciding what particular strain may be right for you, I encourage you to trust your sense of smell. For the longest time, scientists thought that THC and CBD were the most medically active chemicals in the cannabis plant, but new research is revealing that terpenes (pronounced “tur-peens”), the chemicals that give marijuana plants such distinctive odors, also have different effects. You can find a list of smells and reported effects at http://terpenes.weebly.com.

Some smell like pine, some smell like blueberries or tangerines and some even reek like cat piss. Find one that smells good to you and go for it.

Also, consider: Terpenes have different effects that correlate with different smells. It's like cannabis plants want to make it easy for us to feel exactly how we want to feel. If I was more metaphysically minded, I might say it's almost as if humans and cannabis plants were designed to work together. But I digress.

Don’t get high right after you visit the dispensary: Don't consume cannabis in your car, or anywhere near the dispensary. Don't leave your friends sitting in the car while you visit the club. Don't sit in the parking lot and split up your new purchase. (By the way, sharing your medical cannabis with someone that doesn't have a valid letter of recommendation is a crime.)

Don’t get too high before visiting a dispensary: A dispensary isn't a record store. You aren't going to get stoned and dig through crates. You are going to have to interact with human beings and process the information they give you in a timely manner, because there are most likely people waiting in line behind you. There's no need to rush or feel hurried, because there are a lot of things to look at and talk about, but no one needs your overmedicated slow-thinking shenanigans today.

Do respect the neighborhood: Complaints from neighbors are the No. 1 reason that a dispensary will get shut down. Help the club stay in business by being respectful.

Don’t ask for a discount: You aren't at a flea market. Neither are you sitting on your homie's couch. You are at a place of business. Most clubs have specials, discount programs and even rewards cards. Ask about the deals they have that day and stop trying to haggle.

Fellas, don’t hit on the budtenders: When I talk to female budtenders about their jobs, the No. 1 complaint is about guys constantly trying to flirt. I totally get it. She's cute. She knows a great deal about cannabis. And she is incredibly friendly. While it is true that those attributes are the top-three things most hardcore cannabis users look for in a life partner, they also happen to be the top three things dispensary managers look for in an employee.

Before you have a go at it, keep this in mind: She's at work, and you aren't the first genius to make a clumsy and ridiculously ill-timed pass at her today. So, unless she makes some sort of gigantic, totally obvious move toward you, leave your joint in the bag and keep it professional.

Do be a great customer: Getting awesome service at a cannabis club isn't hard to do. Being a great customer is also fairly simple. Most of the time, paying attention and being respectful are all you need. If you have visited a dispensary or two and you still feel a little weird or awkward, keep looking. We are fortunate to have plenty of professional medical-cannabis dispensaries in Sacramento, so if you poke around a little you will be able to find one that fits your needs and your personality.