The Dog Whisperer’s new DVD

My dog is a deaf 8-year-old pug named Leroy. And he pretty much gets whatever he wants. I’m no pack leader.

But I’m going to change, thanks to dog trainer Cesar Millan, a.k.a. “The Dog Whisperer,” who has a knack for rehabilitating even the most brutish of mutts. Leroy’s no monster, but he’s a stubborn old fart, so Millan’s latest DVD, Mastering Leadership: Volumes 1-3, a two-hour training course on how to be a dog leader instead of pushover, will help.

What’s the trouble? For starters, I see Leroy as a human, not a dog, which is why he and his best buddy, a cattle dog named Weird, think they run the show. They whine every morning at the crack of dawn. On walks, they piss on everything. When I leave, they toss around the trash and the recycling container.

My problem, Millan explains, is that I use human psychology on my dogs—nurturing bad behavior, treating them like friends—which triggers anxiety and dominance. Instead, I need to view pets as animals first, then dogs, then breeds, then names. I must be calm and assertive and assume the role as pack leader.

Which is not easy. Millan breaks Mastering Leadership into three 50-minute segments: first, a lecture on how to become a pack leader to your pet; second, how to find and bring home a pet; and third, how to rehabilitate out-of-control dogs. And Millan’s method impresses: He gets even the most obstinate German shepherd to submit in 15 seconds without saying a word.

Once you apply Millan’s technique to your pets, you can apply it elsewhere in your life, too: at work, with family, kids. Leashes optional.