The college cokehead sister

You’d think that holiday shopping for your college cokehead sister would be impossible and totally depressing. But it’s actually simple and kind of fun! Of course, there are a few vital things to remember.

For one, you can find everything you’d want to get her at the pawn shop, so why don’t you just start there? Pawn shops sell tons of stuff that crackheads didn’t want, like computers, tools, guitars and jewelry. (Actually, the sad truth is: said crackheads probably did want those things, they just wanted money for crack more).

Remember in junior high when you got your sister (before she became your “college cokehead” sister) a box set of the Doors greatest hits and she was like, “Ew, dude, that’s so uncool”? Well, now you can get her that same four-CD The Doors Boxed Set featuring live recordings on Without a Safety Net, Live in New York, The Future Ain’t What it Used to Be, and a glimpse into Morrison and co.’s Band Favorites ($69; The Beat, 1700 J Street; (916) 446-4402) and she’ll say, “Thanks bro! Um, you wouldn’t happen to have the gift receipt for that, would you?” You might still hook her with other offerings by other musicians who were known to get psychedelic. Help! (Deluxe Edition) offers an audiovisual trip with the Beatles’ Help! DVD, the film’s soundtrack, and a Help! collector’s book ($112, The Beat). Or you could quench her thirst for contraband with a much milder high: Led Zeppelin: The Complete Studio Recordings, a classic stoner favorite ($129, The Beat).

But seriously, wouldn’t it be good to actually get your college cokehead sister off her trusty white steed and back into class? After all, she used to be a star field-hockey player, known for her witty turn of phrase. Now she can rival Nikki Sixx in the gnarly “Dude, I’m so high” stories. It’s all well and good, but tales of snorting fat rails off the loins of frat boys don’t exactly equate to magna cum laude and a job at the Capitol—well, maybe. But anyway, what does one do, especially during the holiday season, when depression runs high and your college cokehead sister runs even higher? Your best bet is to call The Effort (1820 J Street, (916) 325-5556, www.TheEffort.org), Sacramento’s answer for 35 years to all things problematic. Yes, your cokehead sister—no matter how endearing her stream-of-consciousness diatribe and constant need to start the party may be—is a problem. Whether it’s outpatient addiction, counseling services, residential treatment services or the good old-fashioned detoxification process, the hard working people at The Effort are there to help your college cokehead sister and all others like her.

Sure, the holidays are for gifts and eating, but they’re also for family. The best gift you can give your college cokehead sister is one last shot before she skips next Christmas.