The claptrapture

Many people believe that the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012 signifies the end of the days, but when something as important as all life on Earth is at stake, I’m reluctant to give credence to an expired calendar. I have a 2005 Lindsay Lohan calendar that gives you scant indication of the horrors to come.

On the other hand, if the 2012 slate of Hollywood releases is any indication, the rapture may be the least of our worries. From a Jonah Hill-starring 21 Jump Street adaptation to the final Twilight film, there may be something akin to a “claptrapture” on American movie screens in 2012.

Battleship: Yes, it’s based on the board game where the only skills required are the ability to count to 10 and a familiarity with 38 percent of the alphabet. Considering that actor turned hack Peter Berg (Hancock) is at the helm, you imagine little more could be expected of the film’s intended audience.

Sequel-pocalypse Now (in 3-D!): Nic Cage’s hairpiece returns in Ghost Rider 2 (in 3-D!); Eva Mendes does not return, since by Hollywood logic, she’s “too old” to play opposite the molding Cage.

Sequel-pocalypse Now, Part II (in 3-D!): 2012 may or may not bring about the apocalypse, but it’s a sure bet that they’ll still be making Underworld sequels long after the righteous are watching Two and a Half Men reruns in heaven. At least Kate Beckinsale is back in black leather.

Sequel-pocalypse Now, Part III (in 3-D!): Madagascar 3, Men in Black 3 (in 3-D!), Star Trek 2, Monsters Inc. 2, Batman 3, Ice Age 47 (in 3-D!), and the rejiggered Spider-Man (in 3-D!) all have 2012 release dates scheduled. No official date has been given for Superman: Man of Steel, although 300 auteur Zack Snyder has been tapped to overdirect.