The California condor is a vile and disgusting bird

Listen up, darlings. The California condor is toast. Who among us has even seen one? There’s only 127 of the vile, disgusting scavengers left. So why all the hubbub about the forced resignation of Fish and Game Commissioner Judd Hanna? Sure, Hanna advocated for regulations prohibiting the use of non-lead ammunition in the condors’ range. But who really cares, aside from a few disgruntled environmentalists?

Did mama say disgruntled? Check out girlie man Jeff Miller, conservation advocate with the Center for Biological Diversity.

“The governor’s attempt to undermine the commission is shameful,” claims Miller, who has never won a single bodybuilding contest ever. Miller even had the gall to accuse the governor of kowtowing to the National Rifle Association, which opposes any lead ban, instead of catering to the endangered condor. “Putting the condor on the state quarter isn’t good enough.”

Well why not, you silly little man? At least that way everybody will know what one of the soon-to-be-extinct buzzards actually looks like. Besides, as the governor explained last week at the convention—I waited at the rope line in vain for a hug—it’s time for Republicans to “come back into the mainstream.” Inviting the NRA back inside the tent is a shrewd first step. The condor can go to the birds.