Thanks, but no thanks

Pilgrim’s progress: Last week, for the first and quite possibly the last time ever, Bites attempted to make nice. This week, in keeping with the holiday season, Bites will attempt to give thanks again, for the first and quite possibly last time ever. Frequent readers may ask, Bites, why bother? Let this then be the first thing Bites is thankful for: frequent readers. Here’s the entire list, counting backward from 10 to one.

10. Frequent readers: Yes, dear reader, Bites is thankful that you’re here. Would there be a Bites without you? Let’s not get carried away. Of course there would. That’s why you’re No. 10 on the list.

9. High gasoline prices: What’s not to like about high gasoline prices? If you’re a business owner, you can tack on the cost of fuel and pass it on to the customer—even if you don’t use any gasoline in your business! If you’re a government economist, you can subtract the rising cost of gas from the cost of living allowance for Social Security recipients and save beaucoup bucks. Plenty to be thankful for here.

8. Trillionaires: It seems like only yesterday when millionaires such as Thurston Howell III were the exception, not the rule. Yet almost overnight, the commonplaceness of millionaires was supplanted by the ubiquity of billionaires such as Bill Gates. Apparently it’s a bit harder to earn your first trillion, which is why Bites is thankful for trillionaires: There aren’t any.

7. Jack Daniels: Bites formerly frowned on the consumption of hard liquor at professional basketball games, but not since Old No. 7 became an official sponsor for the Sacramento Kings. That explains last night’s game plan! Thanks, Jack.

6. Safeway sushi: Scientists have yet to determine if the unagi, maguro and crab rolls encased in plastic and sold at Safeway are authentic sushi maki or simply sliced up Cretaceous core samples. But Bites is thankful that they’re delicious, no matter what they’re made from.

5. Hillary Clinton: Bites is thankful that Clinton’s candidacy proves that female presidential candidates can be just as vile and shallow as their male counterparts.

4. Barack Obama: Bites is thankful that Obama’s candidacy has shown that African-American presidential candidates can obfuscate and waffle just as well as their Caucasian cohorts.

3. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Actually, it’s the Constitutional prohibition against foreign-born citizens running for president that Bites is truly thankful for.

2. Sacramento: Feel like a big fish in a little pond? A minnow in a puddle? That’s the way it goes here in the River City. If you can’t make it here, you can’t make it anywhere. Bites is thankful for that.

1. Life: As the great San Francisco post-punk band Flipper once noted, it’s the only thing worth living for. Bites is thankful, if they were indeed serious.