Teach the Know Nothings something about immigration

Dear Mexican:

I was reading the comments (BIG MISTAKE) on an article I recently read regarding St. Charles, Missouri, adopting Arizona-style immigration law. I was SHOCKED at the amount of people who support this law and my question to you is: Why can’t people see the bad implications of that law? What are we, World War II Germany, where we need to show our papers? I’m outraged that in this day and age, there are so many folks racist against Mexicans. I’ve made people very angry by standing against the immigration law, or the racial profiling of Mexicans. How is it that people can stand against racially profiling black Americans, and FULLY support the profiling of Mexicans? And they refuse to believe they are racists. HELP ME—please give me a good point of debate for these people who honestly believe that show-me-your-paper laws are lawful. I’ve tried to make them understand that STATE POLICE do not have the legal right to be IMMIGRATION POLICE. That argument does not work. They say that I MUST be an illegal immigrant or I am harboring one, because I don’t agree with the Arizona law/racial profiling. 

—Necesito Ayuda en St. Louis

Dear I Need Help in St. Louis:

Some points to start. Until gabachos start forcing all Mexicans to wear sombreros to more easily identify them, it’s insulting to compare any anti-Mexican laws to what Jews had to endure in Nazi Germany. Simply put: Deportation isn’t genocide, no matter how much some yaktivists claim. Also, people who are opposed to racial profiling of one ethnicity tend to be opposed to racial profiling of EVERYONE, mostly because racial profiling is a bola de mierda. Finally, tell those Know Nothings you argue about that the Constitution makes distinction between state and federal powers, and only the feds have authority over immigration. Sure, some local jurisdictions have tried to play migra, or openly collaborate with migra—but courts time and time again have struck down such laws because of the Constitution. Do these Know Nothings REALLY want to expand federal powers? They always cry no, but they’re more than happy if it means harassing Mexicans. So once you get them to admit that, just make the note that they’re no better than Obama—and watch them writhe like the culeros they are for comparing them to a negrito.

I’ve been dating a Mexican man for a year now and am madly in love, claro. His excuse for everything is “I’m Mexican”—which, as you know, means that he works harder than anyone else, has bigger balls than any other male on the planet and is so virile he can impregnate a woman just by blowing on her. What I don’t understand is that he rarely uses my name and I’ve noticed that seems to be a Mexican thing. I love being called chiquita bonita, but as far as I know all of his friends are named vato, puto, or güey. What gives? Also, he has started calling me cabrona but he’s using it in a nice way—and I’m confused. Please help this loving gabachita to understand her hombre.

—Mamacita Chiquita Bonita

Dear Gabacha:

Mexican men not calling each other by their given name is a working class trait, like the Southern “son,” African-American “man,” and the bro “bro.” The only Mexican twist we give to nicknames is calling people El (Insert Nickname)—El Barbie, El Gordo, El Chiquidracula, El Kennedy, etc. But that’s another question—and I’m out of space for this semana!=