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How do I meet new men? I am 34 years old and overweight, so I am not the girl who gets hit on when she walks out of the house. Since my husband and I separated two years ago, I have been through a string of one-night stands. I dated one man for 10 months so I considered him a boyfriend. I’ve been app dating since that relationship ended. At first I was willing to sleep with men to get them to like me. That mindset has ended (Thank God!), and I am respecting myself more. However, this approach isn’t working any better than insta-sex was. I’m not getting past the first or second date. I have a house, a car, a job and two boys. I don’t think it is too much to expect the same in a partner (maybe not the kids). Where do I turn to get myself out there?

You are out there—hooking up, dating, scanning the horizon for single men—and maybe that’s the problem. Too much energy is focused outside of yourself. Redirect the time you’ve allotted to app dating. Invest those hours into challenging your thoughts about relationships. Begin here: Overweight women don’t get hit on when they walk out of the house? That thought has so many levels of crazy, it’s difficult to deconstruct. What is “overweight?” I once walked the beaches of Rio de Janeiro, where women of every body size and skin color wore thong bikinis. Yes, women who would be considered obese in the United States, sashayed along the beaches wearing what Brazilians call “dental floss” bikinis. They were at home in their bodies and had no trouble attracting partners. Confidence is beautiful. Confidence is sexy. Living in the United States doesn’t mean you have to align yourself with boring, mainstream ideas. Embody your own beauty.

Let’s also crack the other level of crazy in your story. Do you really want to be hit on when you walk out of your home? Think of it this way: A man you don’t know sees you walking out your door and says, “Nice ass!” Sorry, but that’s not a compliment; it’s an “ewwww” moment. Why would he think he has the right to address you as if your body exists for his sexual pleasure? If, as you said, you’re done disrespecting yourself, don’t allow a man to disrespect you, either.

When you have a fabulous first date with a wonderful man and you want to see him again, don’t push. Your desire for a relationship is too intense. He shouldn’t feel like he’s being interviewed for the position of (your name here)’s boyfriend. Keep the first-date conversation light, playful and smart. Gather the basics: Is he divorced or separated? How long has he been at his job? Does he enjoy it? What is his living situation? What recreational activities are you both passionate about? Keep that first date short. If he’s interested, he’ll ask to see you again.

A man who doesn’t ask for a second date isn’t your man. He just didn’t think you were right for him. Maybe he doesn’t want to date someone with children. Or perhaps you reminded him of his ex. He might have been bored or lonely when he made the date and he isn’t serious about a relationship with anyone. Yes, that means it’s not about you or your physical appearance. More good news: His “no” puts you one step closer to another man’s “yes!” So don’t let your insecurity about your body propel you into sex with the hope a man will commit. Trust that you—mind, heart, soul and body—are worth knowing and loving.