Sweet vengeance

About five months ago, I ended a very bad relationship, but I’m still angry at my ex-girlfriend. I think about her every day, but it’s this fantasy scene of telling her off or confronting her over her mountain of lies. I would like to just get over her and move on with my life. Any advice?

Yes, it’s not her you need to get over. Like a snake slipping out of its former self, you must release the habit of feeling victimized. Anger is often a mask for emotions that reveal vulnerability. So beneath the heat, you are probably sad or hurt about the lack of true communication between your former sweetie and yourself. Anger fits like armor over those more painful emotions and convinces you that you are justified in believing she is the problem.

Here’s the real source of pain: You stayed with your ex-girlfriend even though you knew she was lying to you. How can I be certain that you were aware of her betrayal? If you had been more honest with yourself, you would have exited the relationship when the mountain of lies was just a molehill. Another clue: Confrontation fantasies are like dreams. You are every character in the story. The repetitive rhythm of these fantasies is the psyche’s announcement that it’s all about you, baby. So transit this troubled period of your life by confronting yourself. Admit that you were so desperate to remain in the relationship that you tuned out your own intuition. Each time you sensed she was lying, you preferred to believe that she would never do that to you. Yes, you lied to yourself. The willingness to betray yourself and still not get what you want (her) is the true source of your anger.

So what was it about her that inspired you to betray yourself so easily? The answer to that question will reveal a lot about who you have become and how you must change. But remember, this is not an opportunity to blame. It’s an invitation to spiritual evolution.

What is it about guys that just want to hit it and quit it? I keep dating guys who only want to hook up. I have needs, and yeah, that’s cool. But then I want a boyfriend, too. Why am I attracting these losers?

You’re willing to be a pawn in their game. If you want a boyfriend, stop dating guys whose only interest in you is sexual. Start by paying attention to a man’s compliments. Does he notice small details about your personality, interests and concerns? Or do all of his conversations turn into verbal or physical foreplay? Do you fear never meeting the right guy and so hold onto any man, even if he acts like you’re just a hooker in his stable? If so, improve your self-esteem: Get a hobby, start taking classes and attend counseling. Pour your energy into being open to choosing a man who wants a real commitment and to quickly release the ones who do not.

I am 57 and have begun waking in the early morning. I cannot get back to sleep, so I read, but feel like I should be doing something else. Ideas?

Trappist monks wake at 3 a.m. for morning prayers. Shaman wake at dawn to contemplate questions too scary to investigate at night. Some writers and artists say they do their best thinking in the early morning silence when they are not disturbed by others. Being silent and alone as the darkness surrenders to light allows you to face yourself in a radical way. So meditate. Or pick up a pen and record your thoughts. You may discover that the Divine is trying to speak through you.