Solo for the season

It’s the holidays, a time for good cheer, festive gatherings and family pressure to propose to your significant other or to hurry and get boo’d up. The winter holiday trifecta starts with Thanksgiving and continues with your choice of religious celebration (Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa, among others) before closing with the expectation of a midnight kiss with someone special on New Year’s Eve.

For many people in committed relationships, the end of the year is for BRDs (big relationship decisions). December is the biggest month for engagement ring sales.

“In the last 20 years, there has been a migration of sorts to the holidays to announce engagements,” says Ted Grebitus of Grebitus and Sons Jewelers. “When I was growing up, spring engagements were common. Men and women are career-oriented today. They’re not getting married as young so they need to find time separate from work to announce their engagement. The multi-generational get-togethers that take place over the holidays are an opportunity to announce great news.”

Grebitus says he believes the holidays really are the most wonderful time of the year.

“We get the fun of having a grandson and grandmother coming in to the store with the grandmother’s ring. Maybe we sold it to the family originally and now we’re restoring that heirloom for the next generation. It’s an honor.”

But for singles, negotiating the season’s events can be difficult. The upside of the holidays is that everyone you love is gathered in one place. The downside is that everyone you love is in one place and up in your romantic business.

“Every social gathering is very couple-y. It’s stressful. There are too many expectations,” says Mohamed Umbashi, a 28-year-old Sacramento resident.

Recent scientific research states that singles are healthier than married people. Singles tend to sleep better, be more fit, have stronger social networks and have deeper insight into themselves. Nonetheless, those who consciously choose to live solo, and those who find themselves single during the holidays, face intense inquiries from relatives and friends that too often morph into interrogations:

“When are you getting married?” “Your biological clock is ticking! You’d better settle down and have kids soon.”

Or the cruelest: “Why are you still single?”

Single shaming

Arletta Attaway, 30, found an effective, if extreme, way to avoid nosy inquiries from relatives about her romantic life. The Sacramento realtor stopped celebrating holidays—all of them.

“It’s fine with me, not so much for my daughter,” she said. “So there’s a slight challenge because she doesn’t quite understand. But it’s worth it to avoid the stress.”

For unattached adults such as Umbashi who yearn for a significant other, the holiday season offers endless reminders of their solo status.

“At Thanksgiving, I’m looking around the table going husband-wife, husband-wife, husband-wife, husband-wife, me. I’m just like, yeah.”

Born in the U.S., Umbashi was raised with the values and traditions of his family’s Arab-Islamic culture. He says that being the “child of two worlds” has enriched his life while also requiring him to continually “weave through cultural minefields.”

When it comes to dating and marriage, he feels doubly pressured. American culture prioritizes couples. In Middle Eastern culture, he’s seen as already having missed major milestones.

“Being Muslim, there are even higher expectations to not be single. Culturally, we’re expected to be married with a house and kids by age 30.”

Work isn’t a refuge from the pressure of coupledom, either, says Umbashi, a field representative for the state Legislature. At least, not during the holidays.

“My office has an annual Christmas breakfast,” he said. “Everyone brings their significant other and I’m there by myself.”

One of Umbashi’s closest friends married not long ago. “He’s three years younger and is always asking when I’m going to get married.”

Divorced for the holidays

For those who are recently divorced, the holidays can be six weeks of suffering. The first Thanksgiving after Laura Lourim’s 24-year marriage ended, the Elk Grove resident says she begged her boss to move her to the night shift. Lourim couldn’t handle seeing happily married couples strolling through the foyer of the community where she worked.

“I literally was sick and crying all the time,” she said. “My divorce was just like a death. I would sit in my car and cry. I cried all over Elk Grove.”

Her formerly favorite holiday routines turned into painful chores. Accustomed to joyfully decorating her home for Christmas alongside her spouse, the 59-year-old couldn’t put up a tree or decorate. It was too depressing.

“I cried every time I put an ornament on the tree. When it was time to take the tree down, I just wanted to throw up.”

Lourim says her healing process included journaling, eating well, spending time with positive friends, exercising and seeing a therapist.

She did make an effort to attend holiday gatherings, but couldn’t abide the pressure to be part of a couple. When her yoga studio had a Christmas party, Lourim didn’t feel comfortable participating solo. She brought her adult daughter as her date. But her three grown children had their own plans for the final holiday of the year.

“New Year’s Eve was hard,” she said. “I didn’t like being alone.”

Friends urged her to try dating again. She tried Match, Zoosk, Tinder, Bumble and being set up on blind dates by friends. It was a grind.

“If I liked a guy, he didn’t like me,” she says. “Or he liked me, I didn’t like him. If it was mutual, sometimes I missed the red flags because I didn’t want to be alone.”

She healed, though, and learned to say “no” to men who weren’t ready for a relationship, but who thought they were.

“I’d meet men who would say about their last relationship: ’I’m over it.’ Then, minutes later, they would say ’That bitch! She took me for everything.’”

She gestures as though she’s sweeping those memories into the past. “Thank you! Next!”

So this year, when gathering with family or friends over the holidays, think twice before asking when they plan to get engaged or whether they’re still single. Bite your tongue before belittling someone you love for not being boo’d up. Don’t mention ticking biological clocks. Instead, be grateful for that person’s presence in your life. There’s no better holiday gift than being surrounded by the ones you love and letting that be enough.