Snaked by Ron Jeremy

Ron Jeremy arrived late at the Press Club for his stand-up comedy routine. By way of apology, he explained that he was getting a blow-job on the way over, and we all know how hard it is to cut good fellatio short.

Yes, Jeremy did Sacramento on Friday night, and it was all that you’d expect of an emotionally stunted yet phallically endowed porn star who’s well past his prime. Or perhaps I’m just bitter because I think he stole the girl I was scoping out.

Jeremy built his long porno career on the notion that even short, hairy guys can make hot babes writhe in ecstasy. So whereas I attended Jeremy’s performance mostly for campy and surrealist reasons, there were many who just wanted to brush elbows—or whatever—with the best lay they’ve seen on film.

One woman was just atwitter with excitement at Jeremy’s presence. She laughed through all his bad jokes, then bared her breasts afterward, letting him feel her up as he commented into the microphone about what great tits she had. That just seemed to get her even more excited, so pretty soon, she has her shirt off and skirt hiked up to her waist and is bent over on stage making her best orgasm noises into the microphone as some random dude pretends to do her from behind.

See, this was the surreal stuff I came for. And let it be noted that this wasn’t the woman I wanted, but one of at least three who bared their breasts seeking the Ron Jeremy seal of approval. No, the beautiful young woman who caught my fancy was more reserved.

After Jeremy’s performance, as I danced to DJ Larry and watched Jeremy work the room, she just stood in the doorway between the bar and dance floor, as if waiting for someone. I talked to her periodically, mildly flirting between songs and watching a procession of guys try their luck and be gently turned away.

Even Jeremy threw his line in the water, chatting her up for a while, seemingly with little luck, except for coaxing her to kiss him on the cheek, which turned into a peck on the lips when he quickly turned his head. Geez, that old trick, what a dork!

Then, as DJ Larry spun his last song and the bouncers prepared to end the night, she left her spot, walked across the room, and sat down next to Jeremy, touching him gently on the arm and flashing a beguiling smile.

And that was the last I saw of her.