Slut-o-ween

It’s almost Halloween, which means it’s time for the annual conundrum: Find a costume or feign a life-threatening illness from which I will miraculously recover on November 1.

I’m not sure why I dread Halloween. Perhaps it’s that I’m not very imaginative when it comes to clothing. I own 20 black hoodies and at least 10 pairs of jeans—you get the picture.

Or maybe it’s just that I hate how, in the last decade, Halloween has turned into little more than an opportunity for women to slut it up under the guise of donning a “sexy” costume.

It doesn’t matter where you go in Sacramento on Halloween—the swank Park Ultra Lounge, the gritty Distillery or the chill neighborhood nightclub Old Ironsides—if it’s All Hallows’ Eve, the revealing costumes are on parade, with an army of nearly bare-chested women all strutting their stuff in thigh-high micro-minis.

Of course, if micro’s still too much, there’s always KZZO 100.5 FM the Zone’s annual Exotic Zone Ball—Sacramento’ s “sexiest party.” Fake whip optional.

I don’t have anything against a grown woman wearing a sexy, provocative outfit (costume or otherwise), but on Halloween, it seems as if it’s no longer an option but rather a mandate. Have you seen the choices lately? A quick stroll through my neighborhood Target reveals a bevy of skimpy options ranging from an I Dream of Jeannie navel-baring get-up and the supershort Cruise Cutie dress to a Saucy Beer Maiden mini and a Greek Goddess outfit that looked more like a negligee than anything that might have actually been worn during the days of Athena.

Even the store’s ladybug costume, with its black patent knee-high “boots,” is more hoochie mama than cute critter.

Those who prefer the DIY approach follow the same ethos. Last year I saw homemade costumes running the gamut from “sexy” nurses, witches and vampires to a busty, gun-toting Sarah Palin—all outfitted with ultrashort, tight skirts and tops that squeezed the cleavage to the point where it looked as if the only way for the breasts to avoid permanent damage was to mercifully release them from such cruel restraints.

Ladies, do you really have to show us your tits?

Skin is fine. Sexuality is great, but why this rampant desire to show off as many of your lady parts as legally possible?

Of course, I’m pro-choice, and that extends to your right to dress like a fool but here’s where I draw the line: slutty dog costumes.

No, that’s not when women dress up in revealing dog costumes, it’s when women dress their dogs in slutty costumes.

Yes, there really is an online costume shop, Spoiled Rotten Doggies, that promises you can “be sexy together: with your pooch.”

Ew.

The options, apparently, are endless: sexy Doll, sexy Queen of Hearts and sexy Candy Corn Witch.

(Candy corn is sexy?)

OK, so you and your body are on the chase—do you really need to take it out on that poor, witless dog?

It’s interesting that this Web site doesn’t offer any sexy cat costumes; maybe the retailers are smart enough to realize that no feline would stand for such demeaning silliness.

My cats would learn to speak just so they could say, “Bitch, please,” if I even dared to suggest such a thing.

Sadly, I think they have more self-respect than most of the women who’ll be out on the prowl this year.