Slumming attractions

June

Say, here’s a fresh idea: How about a remake of a ’70s horror classic? The new Omen could be genuinely spooky, but its ain’t-we-clever 6/6/06 release date certainly suggests a B-movie marketing campaign. Having helmed Flight of the Phoenix and Behind Enemy Lines, director John Moore must be done making crappy movies about plane crashes and ready to move on to crappy movies about the occult. Sweet. Let’s hope this one spawns several piss-poor sequels and retreads like a true vintage horror flick is supposed to.

A Prairie Home Companion

The great director Robert Altman and the revered radio personality Garrison Keillor join forces to attempt the most fogyish movie in film history. Helping serve up the honeyed, rustic charm are such esteemed camp craftsmen as Tommy Lee Jones and Woody Harrelson. And, for the younger demos, there’s Lindsay Lohan, reputed to have made the leap from anorexic coke-whore girl to anorexic coke-whore woman quite smoothly.

Nacho Libre

The director of Napoleon Dynamite gets behind the wheel of a Jack Black vehicle. Vivid spandex. Airborne wrestling action. Adorable Mexican orphans. ’Nuff said.

Garfield’s A Tale of Two Kitties

Since the first Garfield flick stunk like a litter box and the comic strip hasn’t been funny since 1982, we’re about ready to beg Jim Davis, the staff of Paws Inc., the filmmakers and even the beloved Bill Murray, who was born to sleepwalk through this role, to finally put Garfield to sleep. But hey, a recurring role for Jennifer Love Hewitt? How can we not go?

The Lake House

Speed freaks Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock reunite, sort of, as would-be lovers living in the same house, two years apart. Somehow they can communicate in real time, via mailbox letters and poorly acted voiceovers. We’ll see it anyway and probably cry our eyes out like a little girl with a skinned knee. Why? Because we hurt for them.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

What can you say about a sequel that even Paul Walker and Tyrese elected to pass on, except that it’s so obviously brilliant and totally worth your $9.50?

Superman Returns

And he still wears tights. We’re not sure if it’s good or bad that Warner Brothers resisted the urge to update the man-of-steel’s wardrobe with a black rubber nipple suit. Also starring the so-totally-closeted Kevin Spacey as arch-villain Lex Luthor, the swishiest homicidal manic since Spacey’s John Doe in Seven or Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspects. Fabulous!

July

Adapting the futuristic Philip K. Dick novel of a paranoid war-on-drugs dystopia, Richard Linklater has another go at that kooky, half-animated Waking Life technique. Smartly, he uses two of Hollywood’s favorite kooky, half-animated actors, Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder.

Little Man

Special effects shrink Marlon Wayans to the size of an infant in this Wayans-family follow-up to the improbably popular White Chicks. Thank you, special-effects-shrunken, infant-sized Marlon Wayans, for replacing ventriloquist dummies in our nightmares. OK, maybe this is why nobody really wants to work with the Wayanses except the other Wayanses.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Otherworldly creatures, giant explosions and expertly choreographed fight sequences are simply not enough for today’s discerning moviegoers. We also require heaps of leading-man mascara. This sequel, which astutely replaces undead zombie pirates with mutated sea-monster pirates, promises to be the most brainless fun anyone can have at the movies all season. And does Johnny Depp not deserve an honorary degree in Buccaneereology?

Updating the TV show that put him on the map, filmmaker Michael Mann continues his well-established “men in pairs” motif. And, well, Colin Farrell? Jamie Foxx? Holy Brokeback, people. This movie is looking nice and gay! If it’s even half as stone-faced as the original series, we’re in for an unintended hoot fest.

August

FBI agent Samuel L. Jackson. Deadly reptiles. Commercial airliner. Truly, the self-evident mother-fuckin’ summer blockbuster we all deserve.

Contributors: Daniel Barnes, Robert Berry, Jonathan Kiefer, Jeff Latta and David Riedel.