Sketchy

Would-be professional comedians have to at least think they’re funny. This is important, but ultimately what really matters is the audience’s opinion, because that’s what determines success. And local comic Ellis Rodriguez, while crossing all sorts of lines, cracks up pretty much anyone he encounters. So, as a local comedian, he’s off to a good start. Here’s his deal.

At the Lounge on 20 event you hosted, you were auctioned off. What did you and your date do?

She bought me for $250. (I just wanted to put that out there [just in case you’re] inferring that your boy Ellis Rodriguez is a fucking straight-up slutbag.) I actually did take that young lady on a date the next day, and then she broke my heart. Turns out she’s a man.

Ellis Rodriguez is very single. He’s looking for a large-breasted white woman with low self-esteem. OK? I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Preferably a sugar mama. …

Turn-ons are: long walks on the beach, foot massages, women who cook.

Turn-offs: GEDs. Hammertoes. See what I’m saying? You got a corn down there, you got any of that … if you throw up a gang sign with it, that’s not cool, you know what I mean? Soak ’em, do something like that. I don’t have a foot fetish, but you know what I’m saying?

Kinda. Have you always wanted to be a stand-up comic?

I’ve always kinda been one, ’cause I’ve always just been funny. Maybe like four years ago, I just thought I’d be good at it.

How’d you get started?

I was trying to pick up chicks, and I’d go to a lot of bars on a random Tuesday. They’d have an open-mic, and I’d see these guys and I would think I was funnier than them and I could do that. And I just started doing it. After a while, I started getting work.

Where were these open-mics?

The first open-mic I ever did was Old Ironsides, downtown, and it’s not a comedy open-mic. They gave me some time, and I got up and they were all, “Oh, how long have you been doing it?” And I was doing pretty well, but technically the first time I ever performed stand-up comedy was in a competition; it was in [Los Angeles], and the winner got 500 bucks, and I won 500 bucks. So I figured, “I’ll be a millionaire by next summer,” but it hasn’t turned out that way.

You postponed our original interview to film a pilot. How’d that go?

Raw TV is going very, very well. I’m having a ton of fun. It’s a sketch-comedy show, so I get to have a lot of input, and everybody, like the crew and everybody in the cast, is really funny, so it’s a blast, actually.

Who are you pitching the pilot to?

Raw TV? I’m not pitching it to anybody. The producers, they got a team of people that have already done it before. It was out 11 years ago, and it had a season and a decent viewership, so the producer’s been getting into some other things, and he’s kinda coming back. So, he’s pitching it to the local stations, I think, like [channels] 58, 3—whoever’s smart enough to pick it up.

When’s it coming out?

Hopefully September.

Describe the crowds at your shows.

I play a lot of the clubs, so I get mixed crowds. … I think my demographic’s like 20s, 30s, because that’s kinda my life, and kinda what I’m talking about, but I do best in crowds when the range is like 18-60, and everything from black, white, polka-dot and in between. Those are the crowds where I think I do my best, because I do kinda touch everybody. I think everybody kinda looks at me and goes, “I get this guy,” “I know this guy,” “I’ve been this guy,” “I’m friends with this guy”; they know someone that’s kinda like me.

In your act, you like to talk about being a player. How much of that is true?

Define “player.” I am definitely not a player. I have a lot of female fans. I get a lot of attention and I appreciate it. …

I talk about the poontang, but here’s the thing: You tell me, you should write about your life. I’m a 30-year-old single man that’s not that bad-looking on the eyes, that’s lugging around “the truth,” OK?

What do you think my life is about? As soon as I find a girl that’s nice and sweet and appreciates my commitment to fighting crime, then I’m gonna sign her to the franchise, you know what I’m saying? Then we’re good, we’re done, you know? But until then, it’s like, that’s what all guys are talking about, you know what I’m saying? Forgive me for being honest and standing up and doing 30 minutes.

I’m not judging you.

Yes, you are. Those are very judgmental eyes; they can’t put that on paper. I am actually a nice guy disguised as a player.