Seven heavenly Sacramento gutbusting food dishes

For all this “self-betterment” you’re getting at with your New Year’s resolutions, you’re really just lying to yourself. We’re all gonna die, including you with your pretty vegan abs and glistening gluten-free teeth. To that end, here are some top picks for locally made food nightmares to ward off the health-conscious fascists in your life.

The Triple F at Cafe Colonial (3520 Stockton Boulevard), $11

In 2016, we’re done with the buns. From here on out, all burgers must use grilled cheese sandwiches instead. Cafe Colonial pioneered this revolutionary technique with its Ken Fury Triple F burger, named after the local punk and skate shop owner. You can ask for any burger and tell them to “fuck it up,” thereby replacing buns with grilled-cheese sandwiches. What’s most surprising about this monster is that it’s actually good: Imagine the most overwhelming patty melt possible and you’re starting to get there.

Soft-shell Crab Burrito at Wrap ’n’ Roll (1801 L Street), $8.95

Born on the streets of Japan, sushi started as low art for the people before becoming popularized as a high-end staple. But with the trend of everything having to be burritos, we’re coming back to sushi as low art with the menu at Wrap ’n’ Roll. These burrito rolls are anything but pretty, especially because they fall apart as soon as you put them to your face. But the portions are massive and they scratch that sushi itch. I recommend the soft-shell crab burrito, because what’s more sickening than rolling up an entire fried animal into your dinner?

Cheezee Grilled Cheese at Flaming Grill Cafe (2319 El Camino Avenue), $9.99

The Flaming Grill Cafe revels in standing out. Just look at the menu: gator bites, frog legs and burgers made from venison, bison, wild boar and more. We could be ruining your colonic health for the entirety of 2016 with this place alone. Draw your attention to the Cheezee Grilled Cheese in particular. It’s a grilled cheddar cheese sandwich, but this time, the game is for real: There are mozzarella sticks and bacon in there to boot. You’ll learn to live with the blockages.

Monte Cristo at Tower Cafe (1518 Broadway), $13.95

Need a touch of class before eating straight from the grease trap? The Monte Cristo, ruining hearts for damn near 80 years, is a ham-and-cheese sandwich fried like French toast, presented at Tower Cafe with a dusting of powdered sugar and a chipotle raspberry jam. And since it’s been on high-class menus since perhaps the 1930s, this artery cruster is grandfathered into bourgeois notions of respectability and will therefore earn two less hateful glares from your class-conscious mother-in-law.

Full Count Bloody Mary at Field House American Sports Pub (1310 Fulton Avenue), $18

You’re waking up after a night of Monte Cristos and cheap beer, and you need something stiff to scrape the crust from your soul. But can a normal bloody mary get it done? You’ll need a bucketful of the stuff—and a sampler platter of pickled goods, sausage, bacon, shrimp and even a slider—to survive this morning malaise. Field House is ready, helpfully skewering all of these items as garnishes for their 32-ounce hangover buster. Good luck finishing it.

Grilled Cheese Benedict at Bacon & Butter (5913 Broadway), $14.50

What is it about brunch that brings out the hedonists? Who knows. But hail to Bacon & Butter for making the bastard child of breakfast and lunch bearable for death-seeking diners. Their most offensive offering is the Grilled Cheese Benedict, a challah slab slathered in hollandaise, eggs, bacon and a murder of three cheeses. It’ll quiet that throbbing reminder to cut yourself off at 15 the next time you drink.

Hubcap with Spokes at Jim-Denny’s (816 12th Street), $19.34

We’ve got a homegrown classic with the Hubcap, a massive pancake that’s about as big as you think it is. You’ve got to get it with spokes—eight pieces of bacon or sausage, your call—and then two eggs for funsies. If you and you alone can crush it in 20 minutes or less, you get a free shirt and $10 for the next visit. But don’t do it for the freebies. Do it for the pride. More importantly, do it for the decadence.