Señor Fernandez’s mostly accurate history lesson

Contrary to popular belief, Cinco de Mayo is not Mexican Independence Day; it’s simply a celebration of a short-lived Mexican victory over French troops in 1862. Got it?

What do you mean, “No”?

Well, what happened was that about 5,000 Mexicans and Zapotec Indians, led by General Ignacio Zaragoza, opened an unexpected can of whoop-ass on Napoleon III’s army during the Battle de Puebla, forcing the French troops to retreat in shame.

But it was a quick victory for Mexico.

A year later, with America too busy infighting to intervene, the French snuck back with a vengeance and occupied Mexico. Are you still with me? Were you ever? Anyway, the occupation lasted only a few years, thanks to Honest Abe’s intervention and some help from the devil’s Monroe Doctrine.

Scandalous, right?

Well, that’s not the half of it. According to history, 141 years later, Ashanti was born. Seriously, she was. The rambunctious New Yorker began singing and dancing at an early age, and in 1994, she was discovered by P. Diddy and later by faux-gangster Irv Gotti, of Murder Inc. fame.

Unbeknownst to Ashanti, all her hard work and exposure was leading up to a very special Cinco de Mayo celebration in Sacramento’s own Discovery Park.    

This mixed-up history inevitably lent itself to a mixed-up holiday … well, technically, it’s not even a holiday. (Really, it’s just another chance for white people to wear sombreros beyond the protective barrier of Chevys Fresh Mex.)

But the question is, can you think of a more appropriate way to celebrate General Zaragoza’s brief victory over the French on that fateful Cinco de Mayo than at a concert on May 4 featuring Ashanti, Lloyd and some other black people? No … no, you can&Rsquo;t.