Say what?

Candidates say the darndest things, to paraphrase the immortal Art Linkletter. Mainline some of the Mitt-meister’s Adam Smith über alles, we-don’t-need-no-stinkin’-social-services-safety net, USDA-choice GOP gibberish if there’s any doubt.

Closer to home, there are at least two candidates hustling for each of California’s 80 assembly seats, 20 state Senate seats and 53 congressional seats on the November ballot. To say the result is a cacophony of cheesy character attacks, hollow promises and fairly obvious obfuscation is lily-gilding.

Sadly, it’s not solely oral onanism our elected and wannabe elected engage in. These threadbare platitudes and half-lies are replicated on the airwaves and in the campaign “literature” (can there be a more grotesque perversion of the word?) beginning to clog mailboxes of the not-so Golden State.

Peter Tateishi, a Republican candidate for the 8th Assembly District that takes in Carmichael, Arden Arcade and Rancho Cordova, has lawn signs that proclaim he will “Fix the state assembly.” Like dogs and cats in county shelters? With a staple gun and duct tape?

He’s formerly Republican Dan “Don’t-Call-Me-Dolph” Lungren’s chief of staff, which doesn’t seem like exactly the crow’s nest from which to scrutinize and then pass judgment on the assembly’s alleged brokenness.

A visit to the candidate’s website reveals that he feels way more than the assembly is broken and, by implication, his election will “fix” that, too. The “business climate” is broken, Tateishi says. As is the “regulatory system.” Whatever that is. Shockingly, Tateishi is opposed to the “early release of dangerous criminals.” If they hit the bricks a couple hours later than scheduled, that’s OK, right? He also favors excellence in education. As opposed to rank mediocrity.

By no means have Republicans cornered the pablum market, although their ceaseless yammering about high-speed rail as the apex of profligate government spending is both tedious and a bit specious. How about state-prison expenditures exceeding those for higher education—California State University, University of California and community colleges? Didn’t hear a lot of Grand Old Party gripes about that for more than a decade running. How about a Republican-backed tax break for corporations, most of which aren’t even located in this state, that costs California roughly $1 billion annually in lost income? (See this November’s Proposition 39.)

Rep. Brad Sherman is running against Rep. Howard Berman in the San Fernando Valley. The once-a-decade redrawing of legislative-district lines following the census threw the two Democrats into one seat. Sherman says when the recession hit, he “made job creation his top priority.” As opposed to carving out habitat for the endangered yellow-bellied-fart catcher.

And consider this gem from Democratic Assemblywoman Betsy Butler, who is running for a seat centered in Santa Monica after redistricting sliced her old seat into thirds. “We need to drive the lobbyists out of the Capitol and return the voice of the people,” Butler says on her campaign website. So, would this include the Sacramento lobbyists for Verizon Wireless, BNSF Railway Company, the California Building Industry Association, Walgreens, the California Hospital Association, California Realtors, California Applicants’ Attorneys Association, Planned Parenthood, PG&E, etc.—a handful of the entities who have generously contributed to Butler’s campaign, according to the secretary of state’s website?

Maybe some lobbyists are just more equal than others. Or are those the really super bitchin’ ones, and Butler’s down with them still hanging around for a while?

Spock, is there anything registering on the ship’s hypocrisy meter? Why, yes, Jim, readings are off the scale.

Would that Spock could tell the captain he’s never seen anything like it before, but he can’t, since every even-numbered year features the same tawdry spectacle. Anti-abortion. Pro-death penalty. Anti-environment. Pro-same-sex marriage. The opposition wants to grind up schoolchildren of color and spread them as fertilizer for stands of poison oak.

Voters certainly deserve a far more fulfilling diet than this mealy mouthed biennial swill, but the menu isn’t going to improve until diners start bellyaching.