Risk and reward

I’m afraid that I love my girlfriend too much, that I love her more than she loves me. I’m scared that I’m putting too much into the relationship and it will all blow up in my face at the end. I feel like she is the perfect person for me, and I don’t want to lose her, ever. But I’m always scared now, and I can see it bothers her. I don’t know how to deal with myself. Please help.

Love always involves a risk. You can give yourself fully and with integrity to someone only to discover you have given more love than was received. From a spiritual perspective, we choose to love because our love best expresses who we are. Without this awareness, love is transactional. You love your girlfriend because you want her to love you. While it’s natural to want to be loved by someone we love, the expectation of reciprocity creates anxiety, tension and conflict. Can you see how that might be true?

It’s possible that if you show your love in all the sweetest, most thoughtful ways, it will be returned. Your girlfriend could love you as much as you love her. And yet, the relationship might still end as most relationships do. Your current relationship is an immersion into the experience of love that might be preparation for a deeper, more powerful connection with someone else. Who knows? We don’t have control over our partners. We don’t have 100 percent control over our future. We only have control over our attitudes, words, decisions, beliefs and behaviors. So stop terrorizing yourself by thinking about a future in which you are abandoned, broken and weak. Think again.

If you’re afraid that you will regret loving your girlfriend, review your boundaries. Are you over-giving or over-doing? Pull back a bit. Be kind to yourself with the same depth of tenderness that you extend to your girlfriend. Trust that if the relationship died, you would go on richer for having been in this relationship and grateful for having had a wonderful woman in your life. Trust your resilience. Love your girlfriend and yourself with the confidence that you can bounce back after heartbreak and open to love again.

I’m sick of my husband’s inability to communicate. I feel like I’m always trying to force out of him how he feels or what’s going on when we’re not together. It’s frustrating and exhausting. He always apologizes for being so difficult, but he never changes. What should I do?

Stop trying to force your man to talk. Accept him as he is, or end your marriage. Complaining about your husband or trying to force him to be someone he’s not isn’t kind. Meet your need for conversation by hanging out with friends who do like to talk. When you’re with your husband, join his world. Savor the silence. When you have something to say, let your body language do the talking. Keep it classy, sensual and invitational. It will help you to remember why you married your man.