Random, rambling advice for Vlade Divac from a drunk on a barstool

The midday sun casts warm crepuscular rays into the stale air of a downtown bar. At 2 p.m., Elixir barely feels open. But I’ve done my diligence to christen the day. I drank two High Life pints and two high-gravity Track 7 Blood Orange IPAs, and chiefed half a joint of Trainwreck. Now, I’m polishing off a glass of High West bourbon, neat, during the Sacramento Kings’ Saturday afternoon game against the Phoenix Suns. No food.

I sit in zen watching the Kings. To my right, a couple of guys playing bones occasionally look up to criticize the team’s defensive breakdowns—a tired complaint that’s applicable to every Kings lineup since 2006. These two, like all Kings faithful, know defense ain’t Kings basketball. Kings basketball at its best is: unbeatable at home, offensively flashy—with no-look passes and dizzying ball movement, and savvy in crunch time. The Kings’ winning formula keeps defense in parentheses.

The problem is that defense wins championships.

Defense is winning this season. Scoring a zillion points against the Suns after choking to the worst team in the league, the Sixers, is misleading. We aren’t winning because of scoring. It was defense that earned an early advantage and fed the offense.

C’mon, Vlade, lemme break off some big-league advice. I’m notoriously scrupulous in my NBA fantasy league—two championships and a third-place finish. That shit doesn’t happen without knowing when to hold and fold.

In fact, here’s a little story about winning in Natomas while I sip this here bourbon: It was the adult league at Natomas Charter School. Our team was undersized and all heart. We overachieved one season, caught a couple of talented teams looking a game ahead. We lost in the championship by 20. The magic ran out. Did we pick up defenders next season? Shit, no! We picked up talent in a slashing, scoring point guard; and a mean, athletic power forward that created space for our leading scorer center to operate. We won the championship that year. The trophy is still in my office. Come by, I’ll show it to you.

My point is: Don’t add defense in free agency. It’s a wasteful pursuit midseason. Lockdown defenders climb aboard Conference Finals caliber franchises, not long shot eighth seeds.

Vlade, don’t you dare go fishing for a Thabo Sefolosha or Khris Middleton. And do not under any circumstances give up Ben McLemore or Omri Casspi. Keep being the sensei of flops for Cousins-san. If George Karl is questioning Willie Cauley-Stein’s conditioning, get him on the baseline for suicides and burpees.

Listen, I know conditioning is a bitch, especially midseason. I quit Division 3 college ball because I wasn’t trying to jog gravel roads in the same county they filmed Deliverance.

Defense is built by buying into a system, and emphasizing to the current roster that no one is coming to bail their asses out. And this year’s Kings are buying. Passing lanes are getting jumped. Rotation is sharper. Cousins is a terror in hedging pick ’n’ rolls. It’s coming together.

Instead, stress free throws. Jesus! If you need a guru, I’m available. I once went 24 of 25 in the Knights of Columbus Free Throw Shooting Contest. Sixth grade level. Regional champion. Would’ve gone 25 for 25, but some jabroni interrupted my rhythm at 21. Finished fourth in the state. Just missed Nationals. I’m lights out from the line. I’m zen. With my system they’ll be machines.

Anyway, 72 percent from the stripe as a team is a disgrace. A disgrace! Don’t take solace that Cleveland is at the same percentage. They won’t be come April.

Did I mention that I played Division 1 varsity basketball? Sure, I saw limited minutes off the bench. So? From the bench, you see the game—courtside seats to the mistakes coaches harp on in practice. You vow to never make those mistakes in your eight minutes per game.

I know what’s good.