Porn free

I spend quality intimate time with myself, off and on, but I still struggle with my long attachment to pornography. In an attempt to find a way to change, I’ve skimmed some “new age” books on sexuality, but couldn’t relate. How can I end my relationship with pornography and instead discover my sexuality?

I asked three men, whose opinions I find refreshing, to respond to your dilemma. Gerry Hair, a spiritual director, urges you to investigate what lies beneath your attachment, “by reflecting, meditating, journaling and in general staying faithful to the question: What am I looking for in my heart of hearts? Underneath this hunger for pornography is a longing for connection to Self, others, God,” says Hair.

“It’s normal to have an ongoing sexual curiosity. That’s part of the nature of being human,” adds Dr. Bruce Thiessen, clinical psychologist. “When it crosses over into addictive behavior, behavior that monopolizes one’s life, it forces a person to sacrifice other important areas of their life.” Addictions result from emotional or spiritual deprivation or an attempt to work out a trauma. “It’s a dysfunctional way. It keeps one stuck and avoiding the issue.” Refocus your drive into a positive activity, he says, to bring you to higher awareness and away from ‘that addictive place.’

Or rather than redirecting your energy, Hair suggests you use it to support you in exploring your underlying need. “Would you be willing to walk into that vacuum, that emptiness, and discover what’s there and be present with it?” Your answer may reveal whether you really desire to move beyond this attachment or not, he says, because “it takes great courage and most of us require a clear and empathetic person as a guide.”

Dr. Siri Gian Singh Khalsa, a kundalini yoga teacher and psychologist, sees an opportunity for you to develop self-intimacy skills. “If I’m looking for Miss Perfect to get me off, then I’m not really available for myself in a nurturing, inspirational, sexually-giving and creative way. Then it’s unlikely that I’ll be available for somebody else,” he says. “Males in this culture approach masturbation as ‘beat the meat’ because shame is involved.” Khalsa says the book Masturbation, Tantra and Self-Love by Margo Woods taught him how to stop relating only to his genitals and learn how to relate to his whole body in an emotionally healthy way.

My dating life is dismal, but not through a lack of effort. I’ve tried all the usual avenues: blind dates, personal ads, bars and clubs, community events, volunteering, etc. but have had no luck meeting the right person. I’m a nice guy. I want someone to share my life with. Ideas, please.

You’ve mastered the secular. Now add the spirit. My friends give me inspirational advice on this topic regularly. A powerful suggestion: my friend Linda invited me to pray in order to release any beliefs I have about the perfect partner that may be keeping my perfect partner from me. Linda is tall (like me!) and expected that her ideal man would be, too. Now she is with a beau who is shorter than she is. A playful suggestion: my friend Theresa said that I should meditate on the idea of the right mate and then throw open my arms and yell, “Next!” to welcome him in. That’s what her boyfriend did the night before he met her. Then there’s patience, a little-loved but valuable skill based in trust.