Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Don’t get snookered by that misleading title—dead men monologue almost nonstop throughout this fifth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise. Everywhere you turn, some ghost or ex-ghost starts blathering about their tortured and confusing back story, while also providing answers to questions that you couldn’t possibly be boring enough to ask. One of the major reveals in Dead Men Tell No Tales: the origin story of Captain Jack Sparrow’s disgusting dread jewelry. Seriously. Of course, Johnny Depp returns as Captain Jack, still a shambling alcoholic with a surprising zest for derring-do, still barely hanging on to his ragtag band of snarling idiot pirates, but the effete drunk shtick feels utterly mirthless and obligatory. In its ability to spin mindless fun into heavy-handed bombast, the Pirates franchise is matched only by the Transformers films, and Dead Men Tell No Tales doesn’t have the guts to be an exception. D.B.