Peyton’s place

Purple vein: America loves winners, and this week’s big winners are quarterback Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts, who slopped their way to victory over the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI. But as is often the case with Bites, things are not always as they seem. Indeed, rarely has there been a player so undeserving of the MVP award than Manning.

But Bites will put Peyton in his place later. First, let’s take a look at the Super Bowl’s real winners: Prince and K-Fed. With the headcase-formerly-known-as-the-artist’s halftime performance coming on the heels of Janet Jackson’s infamous Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction in the same state where the Doors’ singer Jim Morrison exposed himself four decades ago, Bites expected something special, and his purple majesty delivered, via his oddly shaped guitar and a strategically positioned scrim. Prince’s phallic puppet show will not soon be forgotten.

However, stealing the day was Kevin Federline, a.k.a. K-Fed Ex. The soon-to-be-former Mr. Britney Spears appeared as a daydreaming fast-food restaurant worker in a Nationwide Insurance commercial aired during the game. K-Fed imagines he’s the rap star he never became until he’s shocked back to reality by a barking restaurant manager. It was easily the broadcast’s best commercial, and K-Fed’s self-effacing act instantly transformed him from never-was to Supebowl XLI’s biggest winner. Check the video at www.nationwide.com.

This Bud’s for you: Demonstrating once again that it’s completely clueless, mainstream media, including USA Today and the Sacramento Bee, failed to comprehend Federline’s brilliance. USA Today’s vaunted Ad Meter focus group didn’t even rank Federline in the top 10 and instead gave seven out of the top-10 spots to Anheuser-Busch. Bites likes his brew as much as anyone, but the nine commercials offered up this year appeared to be concocted by employees who’d been sampling a little too much of the product. Where’s Mothers Against Drunk Writers when you need ’em?

From the hasty report he filed on this year’s crop of Super Bowl commercials, there’s no telling if Bee media critic Sam McManis is a Bud man or a real media critic for that matter. “Fun or Fumble?” the headline over the article asked, to which McManis apparently had no answer, although the author of the caption under Federline’s photo seemed to hint that there might be some validity to the BS being peddled by the American Restaurant Association, which claims Nationwide’s commercial is demeaning to fast-food workers. Can’t we all just get along?

Say it ain’t Joe: The Super Bowl’s two biggest losers were Colts running backs Dominic Rhodes and Joseph Addai, either of whom deserved the game’s MVP trophy. Veteran Rhodes rushed 21 times for 113 yards; rookie Addai rushed 19 times for 77 yards and caught 10 passes for 66 yards, for a combined 143 yards of total offense. It rained throughout the game, and such contests are almost always won on the ground, making the pair’s ball-controlling performance all the more critical.

Contrast that to Manning, who completed 25 out of 38 passes for 258 yards, one touchdown and one interception. That equates to a dismal quarterback rating of 86.2. San Francisco 49ers quarterback Joe Montana averaged 127.8 over four Super Bowls, winning MVP honors three times. Clearly, Manning played better than his rating indicates, but just as clearly, there were other members on the Colts squad who played better than Manning.

Chalk it all up to dignity, the word conjured up every time the CBS Sports analysts mentioned Colts head coach Tony Dungy and Bears head coach Lovie Smith, both of whom happen to be African-American, as are Rhodes and Addai. Both Dungy and Smith bring “dignity” to the game, we were constantly assured. But no one ever bothered explaining exactly what that means. Having never heard the expression used in reference to a white head coach, Bites leaves it up to the reader to decide. Those in need of a hint might consult the works of Harriet Beecher Stowe.