Peace offerings

Holiday shopping. It’s the last thing you feel like doing—especially when it comes to those friends and family members who drove you crazy this year with their political opinions, stupid conspiracy theories or, worse, apathy.

Seriously, what do you do when you draw your Trump-supporting brother’s name in the annual family gift exchange? How do you get through the gift-buying season without starting a fist-fight around the Christmas tree? This gift guide might not be the best answer to that last question but hopefully it’ll help you shop without feeling as though you sold your soul.

1. So, your brother voted for Trump. You could get wrap up a box of literal turds for him but that would piss off your mother. Try this instead: Buy a copy of Hillary Clinton’s new memoir (Simon & Schuster, $30), which is available at the Avid Reader at Broadway (1945 Broadway), and pen a note of love on the inside in permanent marker so that his cold, dark capitalist soul can’t return or exchange it.

2. Yikes, your cousin who voted for Jill Stein is coming to dinner this year? Get her a California-logo tote bag ($68) from Display: California to remind of her of everything she recklessly risked by “taking a stand” with her vote—immigrant lives, the environment, LGBTQ rights, etc—every time she uses it.

3. Your out-of-state uncle sure likes sending email forwards—the kind typed out in all caps with flashing letters and easily debunked “proof” about President Obama’s birthplace and plot to institute Sharia law and take away your guns. Strapping Fit (3405 Broadway) has a great selection of snarky, offbeat greeting cards, including festive holiday ones. Buy him one and stuff it full of news clippings from reputable sources and see how long it takes him to send you a fuming message about “fake news.”

4. Even buying presents for your BFF is hard this year. One of you was ride-or-die for Hillary and the other a committed Bernie bro. Keep it nonpolitical. Plants are good. Plants are nice. Plants are the Switzerland of gifts—unless you go with a cactus to passive-aggressively hint at your true feelings. Hey, you do you. Whatever the message Talini’s Nursery & Garden Center (5601 Folsom Boulevard) has one of the biggest, nicest selections in town.

5. Booze. Listen: you and your partner/favorite cousin/super-cool aunt are going to need a lot of it to get through the season with your sanity in tact. Buy your drinking partner-in-crime a “mystery” craft beer grab bag ($10) from Shift Change (4516 Freeport Boulevard) and enjoy. OK, maybe buy several.