Pass on being passed

I hung out with a guy, had fun but didn’t go all the way. Afterward, he said I wasn’t his type and wanted to introduce me to a friend he thought would be into me. His friend and I hooked up. Then, the first guy texted me to hang out as friends. We did. He wanted oral again. Is this a game? Two guys passing a girl one way, and then the other? It feels weird.

Trust your instincts. The first guy told you that you were not his type. He’s lying. You were obviously his type for sex, right? So the real question is this: Is he your type? Do you want a man in your life who is nice to you long enough to manipulate you into thinking that he’s your friend, only to learn that all he really wants is an orgasm? That’s not sex as an expression of female empowerment. That’s sex as an expression of female insecurity, because he’s taking advantage of your desire for connection and friendship. You deserve better.

There’s nothing wrong with anyone realizing that he or she is not a match with a date and offering an introduction to a friend. In your situation, though, the second guy doesn’t want a relationship or even a friendship. He wanted an orgasm. What did you get out of these hookups? A few minutes of feeling sexy and desired, yes, of course. But after those feelings passed, you’ve been flooded with stress about whether you just gave two men permission to use you. You did.

Did you also use them? Yes. You wanted to feel sexy and desired, and that drive interfered with your ability to make smart decisions. If you accept yourself as sexy and desirable all of the time (not just when a man wants to have sex with you), you wouldn’t be so susceptible to manipulation. That’s because you would be in charge of creating those feelings within yourself, for yourself. You wouldn’t need random hookups to prove something that you know is already true.

One last thing: If you want a relationship with a man, be clear about that—with him and with yourself. If you prefer to engage in casual, transactional sex—exchanging orgasms for orgasms or for attention—don’t expect a deep and lasting connection to occur. Sexual attraction is essential to a juicy relationship, absolutely, but if you don’t share similar values, someone will always get burned.

I love my nonprofit job but the pay is not enough to keep this single mother of three going. I get no child support. I’m considering filing for bankruptcy. I’m heartbroken about having to leave work connected to my heart and soul. Advice?

Be grateful you have fed your heart and soul for so long. Embrace the blessings of your contribution to the community. Then give yourself a dose of reality: Live more simply or find a high-earning job or keep your nonprofit gig and take a second job. There are no magic answers. But here’s a magic question: How do you want to spend the hours of your life? Choose employment accordingly.