Party smarter, not harder

I went to a party with friends but we got separated. I ended up hanging out with some new people and drank way too much. One of the guys I was talking to helped me find the bathroom. We kinda made out while we were waiting in line. When I was leaving the bathroom, he pushed me back in. We made out some more. I don’t actually know if we had sex or not because I was so out of it. I really wanted to be with him but I’m embarrassed that I don’t remember what happened. He’s been texting me to hang out but I haven’t responded. I like him a lot but it’s weird not knowing what happened. How do you think I should handle this?

First step: Promise yourself that you will never again get so drunk that you lose contact with reality. Then, keep that promise. Hey, having a cocktail or two with friends is fun. But drinking so much that you don’t remember what you said or did is dangerous. Alcohol is still the No. 1 date rape drug, despite the media focus on roofies, Special K, GHB or Ecstasy. Remember: Exotic and scary stories fascinate us and drive the media, but sensationalism rarely correlates to the lives of most people. Sexual assault is common, particularly among high school and college students. It only becomes news when accompanied by bizarre circumstances, like the latest date rape drug.

Please be good to yourself. Don’t become a statistic. Stay in control of your senses. When you abuse alcohol, you burden others with the responsibility of minding you. That’s unkind. It’s also childish. Drinking until you are helpless inspires serious setbacks on the road to maturity.

So how should you cop to your blackout? If you want an emotionally intimate relationship with this man, have an honest conversation. Say that you liked talking with him. Explain that you drank too much. Acknowledge that it was a bad choice. Tell him that you remember wanting to kiss him, but don’t remember what actually happened. If he cares about you, he’ll tell you the truth. Be candid with yourself, too. Is it possible to “like him a lot” when you were drunk nearly all of the time that you were with him? You might think he’s hot. Making out may have made you hot. But you won’t know if the attraction is real until you’ve spent time together sober.

I have a friend who used to be self-sufficient and stable. A few years ago she contracted a disease. She also has made bad decisions, and has spiraled downhill. Her contact with friends consists of her asking for help. I used to help, but it’s too hard to be around her. I don’t know what to do about her victim mentality. How does one stay compassionate for someone who truly has had bad luck, while not getting sucked into a vortex of victimization?

Hmmm, believing that you might be “sucked into a vortex of victimization” is a problem. That belief signals a lack of inner strength. It’s time to grow a backbone. Buried beneath your complaint about this friend’s struggle is a fear of becoming her victim. Why? Are you afraid to say no when necessary? Consider this: Yes, no and maybe are equal. Once you understand that your life purpose is to give and receive love, you can employ any of these responses without fear or drama. Compassion swells as you see that your friend has provided an opportunity to stretch your heart. Do you think you can love someone who is afraid that she is a victim of circumstances? Yes, I mean you.