Oh Danny boy

Nothing vexes a pleasantly plump girl next door more than ill-tempered newspaper columnists running down her handsome honey. Every time something doesn’t go Governor Gorgeous’ way, some hack points the fickle finger of narcissism. Latest example? The Sacramento Bee’s Dan Walters, who last Sunday accused studmuffin of having a “boundless self confidence bordering on narcissism,” just because nasty old Tom McClintock and his posse of redneck Republicans have bushwhacked the state budget. You’d think Walters would know that it isn’t narcissism that makes Arnold tick, but a heartbreaking lack of self-esteem that compels him to please everybody!

Mama wants to cry when she hears tales of the formerly awkward Austrian’s traumatic childhood. Like the ugly duckling, he wasn’t born beautiful. Especially his calves, which looked like pipe cleaners poking out from the bottom of his loose-fitting trousers. A normal boy simply would have worn six pairs of socks to hide the deformity. But not my little liebekind! He got out a pair of scissors (Oooh! Careful honey!) and cut his pants off at mid-thigh. “Look at those puny calves!” his callous countrymen laughed. Did he give up? No! He performed squat thrusts with a VW Beetle stretched across his shoulders, until his calves were as hard and as sharp as diamonds!

They’re still like that, as this sassy saftig discovered not too long ago at the downtown 24 Hour Fitness. He was working the seated calf machine, and I had strategically placed myself on the thighmaster behind him. He set 200 pounds on the machine and took his seat. His calves were long and thick in the relaxed position. Up, he grunted! His calves hardened and bulged like Ball Park Franks on the Weber! Down! Long and thick. Up! Plump and juicy. Your randy reporter squeezed her thighs together in unison. Up! Down! Up! Down! Up! Down! Is it getting hot in here? Or am I just a shameless fluffenpumper?

The point is Arnold works hard for the money. One day he’s pleasing Central Valley farmers by taking on those pesky West Nile virus-carrying mosquitoes. The next he’s announcing his latest global-warming reform in an attempt to assuage the environmental whackos who have the audacity to claim that spraying the population with life-saving insecticide might somehow be bad for us. Wait! What’s that sound? Is that a bridge collapsing in Minneapolis? See? It ain’t easy being the governor of the world’s sixth largest economy. So ease up, Danny boy, and mama promises she’ll keep your ears warm.

Someone please, pretty please, call or e-mail call me and tell me where he is! A girl gets lonely: <script type="text/javascript" language="javascript"> </script>