Nosy or necessary?

My ex-boyfriend and I are talking about recommitting, but he refuses to tell me if he had sex with anyone while we were broken up. We dated for a year and then he broke it off because he wanted time for himself. He likes to spend a lot of time alone, which was a problem for me. I want to know about his sex life because of the possibility of sexually transmitted disease. He says it’s none of my business what he did while we were apart. True, but I’m only trying to protect myself. I feel that I have a right to know even though we’re only considering getting back together because being together would mean sex. We agreed to survey our friends, but we haven’t mentioned it since then. We’re playing it cool and sort of dating. Do you think I’m entitled to know this information? He did tell me about other girls he was talking to, but if he didn’t have sex, he’d be willing to tell me, right? Should I drop this issue or insist on knowing?

Stand in front of a large mirror. Look yourself deeply in the eyes. Now repeat these words aloud: “You are not that desperate. You are not.” After a while, reality will take hold and you’ll realize that the question is not whether to drop the topic or insist on an answer. The question is, “Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who does not really care about you?” You think this is about sex or secrets? This is about mortality. Yours.

Why are you willing to gamble your health and perhaps even lose your life just to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you enough to tell you the truth? Here’s a lifestyle basic: if you can’t establish mental, emotional and spiritual intimacy with someone, there is no reason (nada, zip, zero, zilch) why you should give yourself sexually to that person.

Since you agree with your ex-boyfriend’s belief that what he did while you were apart is none of your business, hear this: you are both wrong. If he were a new sexual partner, wouldn’t you quiz him on his sexual history before considering physical intercourse? If not, get thee to a clinic that can educate you on why that’s vital. And just so you know, answering such questions honestly is a gesture of respect. Hopefully that will inspire your courage to ask a potential sex partner even the most startling questions. The planet deserves your healthy presence and so do you.

I am a 22-year-old man who feels like a complete failure. I have no friends, I’ve never had a girlfriend and I don’t have a good relationship with my parents. People say I’m nice. Deep down I know that I am a good person, but I feel so alone. Even though people think I am shy, I really have very low self-esteem. I spend my days locked up in the house. I hate going out. I maintained a 4.0 GPA in college until I stopped going because I hadn’t made any friends. I felt weird, like everyone in college was looking at me and judging me. Please help. I feel stuck and things aren’t getting any better.

You’ve chosen to back away from life even though you are yearning to embrace it. What you need is support to understand why. A psychologist can help. I suggest that you consult one as soon as possible. So many people silently struggle with acceptance and the desire to connect more deeply with others. Perhaps your struggle will encourage a reader today to extend an invitation for friendship beyond their usual circle of friends.