Nightlife

Best place to hear a duet between a musical saw player and a Theremin player in a gorilla suit while being pelted with Toll House cookies
Old Ironsides
10th and S streets, (916) 443-9751
This venerable corner joint has been pouring quality mixed drinks since the ‘90s, as in the 1890s, and it’s been owned by the same family since the 1930s. In the past decade, Old I turned into downtown Sac’s best place to see touring alt-rock bands, along with everything from Western swing to bad comedy to unclassifiable aberrations such as Tru Valu, mentioned above. For specifics, visit Old I’s website, rcip.com/ironsides.

Best place to hide out when Rev. Jerry Falwell and his buddies are trying to find you
Faces
2000 K St., (916) 448-7798
At the nexus of the Sacramento gay community’s bar scene, Faces offers just the kind of festive atmosphere where an open-minded person can have a good time. DJs spinning the latest dance sides, karaoke, country and Latin dance lessons, diva nights—it’s the perfect place to avoid crusading members of the religious right.

Best place to take the kids when you can’t find a babysitter and you need a live-music fix
Capitol Garage
1427 L St., (916) 444-3633
Provided the kids don’t get worked up about noisy teen bands, what better place to take them on a Friday or Saturday night? Capitol Garage is an all-ages venue that features fine snacks and some of the better up-and-coming music acts in the area. While it may not be perfectly child-friendly (no diaper-changing stations in the bathroom; no employees in clown makeup or purple dinosaur suits), it is one pretty good option if the babysitter bails.

Best place to shake your rump to the funk on a Sunday Night
Harlow’s
2708 J St., (916) 441-4693
On the seventh day, God may have rested, but that doesn’t mean you need to chill your heels. In recent months, Harlow’s Sunday-night services have been developing a following among local believers of the booty persuasion; even we’re hearing about it. And the MoMo Lounge upstairs offers a well-ventilated space where you can experience late-'90s cigar-craze nostalgia and hear stylish music. Visit Harlow’s on the Web at www.harlows.com.

Best place to hear poetry on a Friday night while sipping tea
SereniTea
2406 J St., (916) 446-1832
For those of you whose idea of a good time doesn’t involve amps that go to 11, SereniTea offers a soothing alternative—a patio where you can arch your eyebrows to poets reading from their works while contemplating the lavender back wall, sipping hot beverages—caffeinated or herbal—and nibbling on vegan delights. SereniTea also serves ritual tea on the third Sunday of the month.

Best place to get a blue-flamed buzz on
Torch Club
904 15th St, (916) 443-2797
Not to diss the Blue Lamp (Boz Scaggs’ new blues joint, in the old 400 Club strip joint at 1400 Alhambra Blvd.), but Sacramento’s peripatetic Torch Club has been the place for local bluesophiles to get that “hey, hey, the blues is all right” feeling for quite a while now. After getting dislodged from its previous location on L Street to make room for a massive state building project, the Torch has settled into new, not-quite-as-grungy digs on 15th Street, across from the Memorial Auditorium.

Best place to watch a Sting video while you pee
The bathrooms at the Depot
2001 K St, (916) 441-6823
As next-door-neighbors to the Depot, we’ve noticed the popular hotspot has revamped itself into a video-bar paradise, but we never thought they were working on something this cool. Seriously, you don’t have to be gay to get a huge kick out of the facilities here: gleaming black tile studded with illuminated, inlaid glass bricks, brushed aluminum doors with perky little figures on them to keep you from entering the wrong gender’s bathroom. You might have to wait in line, but once you get in there, you’ll be impressed with the enormous portraits of pop singers and, as promised, TV screens broadcasting the hottest videos while you relieve yourself.

Best bar to ignore the smoking ban
Benny’s Sacramento Bar and Grill
2013 Q St., (916) 443-5555
Smoking cigarettes inside of bars is illegal, right? Well, technically, yeah, but some establishments haven’t completely bowed to the anti-smoking thought police. Walk into Benny’s on any given night, and aside from a hip and lively singles atmosphere, you’ll be met with that old, familiar smell. Classic bar stink. It’s just like the (good?) old days. But don’t fret, if you can’t hang, there’s always the jumpin’ patio out back.

Best place to dine while intoxicated
Pieces Pizza by the Slice
1309 21st St., (916) 441-1949
We’ve all been there. It’s 1 a.m. on a Friday or Saturday night; you’ve got $5 in your pocket, and you’re wasted. You’ve got to eat. At a time like that, nothing hits the spot like Pieces. Their gourmet slices are thick, delicious and just greasy enough to really hit the spot. And if you’re not ready to quit drinking (or you’re just getting started), they’ve got a nice selection of beer on hand as well.

Best last chance to get laid
Lyon’s Restaurant
3000 J St., (916) 444-5158
You’ve worked the bars all night; it’s 2 a.m., and it looks like you’re going home alone. Again. Well, don’t give up so easily. Persistence is key, grumpy drawers. There are hordes of mingling singles carb-loading on fried zucchini and patty melts over at Lyon’s on J Street. Suddenly the night is young!

Best place to watch the River Cats fireworks
Sacramento County Jail
651 I St., 874-6752
The word on the street is this: The County Jail is the place to be when the River Cats are launching their happy bombs. So when the man finally catches up with you and your outstanding warrants, politely ask for a cell on the northwest side of the building. You won’t be disappointed. River Cats season is over, however, so make a concerted effort not to captured until next summer.