New York, I Love You

Outstretching the 2006 omnibus dud Paris, Je T’Aime for smug cutesiness, the multidirector compilation New York, I Love You has only its genial nature to stave off inevitable unwatchability. All hopes are dashed early, as the first few minutes offer Bradley Cooper as a guy who keeps getting in someone else’s cab (only in New York!) and Hayden Christensen as a ragamuffin street thief. The authenticity doesn’t improve from there. Ethan Hawke plays a smarmy writer shot down by classy prostitute Maggie Q, Brett Ratner directs a crass segment about a dork squiring a handicapped girl to the prom and Cloris Leachman and Eli Wallach play a bickering couple in Joshua Marston’s pointless sketch. Worst of all? It’s a tossup between Natalie Portman’s drippy directorial debut and Shekhar Kapur’s botched attempt at lyricism pairing Julie Christie and Shia LeBeouf.