New writers bloc

I’m such a douche. Over the past several weeks, new bylines have streamed into the paper with yours truly supplying nary an introduction of Sena Christian, Emily Page and Josh Fernandez.

Hey Sena, what is your title and, more important, what the hell does it mean?

I’m the sustainability writer. When I actually start doing work around here, I’ll be writing about green issues.

Financial writer, got it. Where do you come from?

Sacramento.

I hear it’s lovely there in the summer. Have you done hard time?

I haven’t done hard time yet, but I served as a witness against someone else so he would have to do hard time.

I’m sure glad you didn’t answer that one with something revealing that would require an obvious follow-up. Do you have any kids?

I don’t have any kids. They make me awkward.

Hey Emily, what is your title and, more important, what the hell does it mean?

Associate arts editor. I don’t know; what the hell does it mean?

I’ll ask the questions, missy. Where do you come from?

Earth.

I hear it’s lovely there in the summer.

What are your assorted dreams and aspirations?

When I grow up, I want to be a 1950s housewife.

No fair stealing Nathan Lane’s answers! Have you done hard time?

Oh yes.

Explain!

I worked at a daily paper once.

Hey Josh, tell me something about yourself.

I’m an ambiguous-looking Mexican.

What is your title and what the hell does it mean?

Associate arts editor. I’m Jon Kiefer’s cabin boy.

That slut told me I was his cabin boy!

Where do you come from?

I’m from Davis, ese. I lived in Boston until I was 13, moved to Davis, then New York, back to Boston, then San Diego, then San Francisco, then Sacramento, then Korea, then Sacramento.

Running from the law, got it. What are your assorted dreams and aspirations?

Last night I dreamt I was attacked by an apple tree.

Good thing it was nothing weird. Have you done hard time?

I’m Mexican.

Say no more.

It had to do with a bottle of whiskey, a wise-ass co-worker and a wobbly bar table.

Did I not say, “Say no more”? Do you have any kids?

You are all my children.