Naked cell-phone pics always mean trouble

My sister thinks her husband is cheating, but he denies it. My brother-in-law pays the bills, but drinks himself to sleep. In the last six months, he has stayed out all night several times. My sister has seen inappropriate text messages and semi-naked photos from a woman on her husband’s cell phone, but she is afraid to mention this because she knows that she should not have spied. My sister is afraid to be alone and does not believe she can make it on her own. How can I help her?

Encourage your sister to see and accept reality: Her husband lies, cheats and is addicted to alcohol. He bid the marriage adios months ago, and that means your sister has plenty of experience “making it on her own.” After all, she has been a single parent since her husband checked out of the relationship and into an affair with alcohol and another woman. But your sister is blinded by denial about her marriage, so she can’t admit that she is already on her own. Why is she so scared? She is afraid of being lonely. Loneliness is a normal human response to isolation, but it’s also a choice. If we are uncomfortable being alone, we need more solitude—the experience of contentment while alone. A person who truly likes himself or herself, or wants to, schedules periods of solitude. A day hiking in the mountains, a weekend stay at a retreat center or an afternoon at the beach can provide the silence we require to be aware of the self-corrections we need to live healthy, honest lives.

One last issue: Tell your sister to stop worrying about the cell phone check. No, it was not the right thing to do. Yes, it reveals her desperation. She knew intuitively that something was wrong and she wanted proof. Evidence arrived and she is ignoring it. It’s time for her to understand that this crisis is an opportunity to build her self-esteem by making choices that show her worth, instead of clinging to a man who is already gone.

My 16-year-old niece informed me she is pregnant and asked me not to tell her mother. We have always been close, and though I am grateful that she confided in me, I am not certain whether I ought to keep this situation confidential. I am concerned about my sister’s reaction when she discovers that I knew but did not tell her. Plus, my niece plans to give the baby up for adoption. I would like to adopt the baby. I am a 40-year-old gay man, single, financially secure and longing for a family of my own. I am just not certain how to break this news to my niece and her mother. Any ideas?

Your niece trusts the established confidentiality of your relationship with her. That’s says a lot about the kind of uncle you have been. But confidentiality should always be broken when the person with the secret might be harmed or might harm someone else. Pregnancy is a health issue: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. Your niece needs to see a doctor and, perhaps, a psychotherapist. So give her a 14-day deadline. Offer to stand with her as she tells her mother. If she fails to fess up, you must inform your sister.

It’s wonderful that you are willing to adopt the baby. As the situation unfolds, you will know the right moment to share the good news. In the meantime, chat with other single dads. It’s difficult raising a child alone and a major lifestyle change for someone who has lived solo. Be certain that you understand and accept the lifelong responsibility.