Most horror-ble week ever

My first major crush was a dreamy blond, blue-eyed thespian who had killer karate moves—thanks to Chuck Norris.

Yes, Jonathan Brandis was the honey to my peanut-butter sandwich. I once wrote him a fan letter declaring my admiration of his acting chops, but sadly, never even received a signed photo of the teen hunk. So I turned my attention to the stud of my fifth-grade class—Danny Martin. At least he was semi-attainable.

Some people, though, can’t get over their celebrity crushes. Movies on a Big Screen will show I Think We’re Alone Now, a documentary about two people obsessed with 1980s pop songstress Tiffany. The film isn’t meant to frighten the audience, but when 50-year-old Jeff Turner admits he might request “a fingernail, or a toenail, lock of hair, or a scab, or a skin from a blister” from Tiffany, the film takes a turn for “Creepyville.” American Movie Classics even ranked the film No. 5 on their Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008 list. And Turner will speak at the MOBS event, so you might want to bring a security blanket.

If you have an obsession with zombie films complete with slutty hitchhikers, werewolf grandmas and Nazi little people, Hard Rock Zombies is the mother lode. The screening also raises money for Trash Film Orgy Productions’ upcoming film Planet of the Vampire Women. See, who ever said you can’t be trashy and help the economy?

But if you really want to be a patriot, you’ll pay respect to creature features at the Sacramento International Film Festival. The festival runs Saturday, March 28 through Sunday, April 5, and features different themes each day. Films such as I Was a TV Horror Host and Watch Horror Movies: Keep America Strong will be screened on April “Ghouls” Day.