Me, you and everyone Sacramento

Who needs the 2010 Census? Let’s save millions upon millions and let SN&R classify the entire Sacramento populace. Sound good? OK:

Bicycle thieves

Sacramento is a bicycling metropolis and consequently has its fair share of two-wheel bandits. But lately, theft is so rampant and places to lock up so lacking, you have to wonder whether city officials are in on the gambit? I might as well leave my tires on the sidewalk for the taking. Some local filmmaker oughta make the next neo-realist YouTube masterpiece, no? Ladri di Fixie?

Sacramentans who can’t stop talking about Zelda’s pizza or the French toast at Tower Cafe

Whoa there.

People who spend all their time making Facebook quizzes about Sacramento stuff

All these people should move into one giant apartment complex, like that blighted dump the Maydestone on 15th and J streets (which, incidentally, is finally being renovated into loft housing), so they can unite and put Sacramento at the vanguard of Facebook quiz making. Anyway, these folk are a sustainable breed: They don’t need much food or even a bed; they’ll just pass out in the deep hours of the morning after about five Go Girl energy drinks, the glow from their MacBooks keeping the rats at bay.

Beer snobs

Only recently have I observed the city’s inordinate number of beer elitists. And on one hand, this is something I can appreciate; one should imbibe only the good suds. However, beer superciliousness is a sort of gateway to all sorts of haughty arrogance, including but not limited to: music elitism, impetuous dining urges that usually involve West Sac or Northgate Boulevard, rebuffing the Tower Theatre, growing beards, refusing to check voicemail.

Sacramentans who don’t check voicemail

This is not Silver Lake. You’d better keep checking it until further notice. If I call you and get the “Hey, better text me because I don’t check voicemail anymore” shtick, I’m gonna post your number on Craigslist under “Hot Karl.”

Countdowners

These Sacramentans really enjoy discussing the days of the week and saying things like “Happy Hump Day!” or “It’s Thursday, one day closer to Friday!” and other tired expressions. UPS men, kids that shop at Hot Topic and middle-aged women are really the big fans of these annoying platitudes.

Hot Topic shoppers

You’re just as vanilla as someone that shops at Abercrombie. Sorry to break it to you.

People who don’t have a job or money to shop at Hot Topic

Everyone who has a job should buy coffee for a friend who doesn’t have work and also spend a half-hour every week helping them find a new gig. It’s the least you could do.

The Provincials

Lincoln, Loomis, Rocklin, Roseville, the Heights and all the east county suburbs: Elk Grove, Wilton, Galt, Dixon, Winters, Woodland. The city of Sacramento, like all cities, lures its share of provincials. They come looking for wider horizons than their small hometowns can provide. They dream of sex, drugs and fast times, but they make do with tiny apartments with dingy carpets and bad plumbing.

And the city tests their wits and jades their souls. Pitfalls abound. More than a few will end up a midnight cowboy in some gutter-scented back alley or a loony wandering the streets. It’s strange to see whom the city devours. You live in the city long enough, you will come face to face with the beautiful one who used to make you horny all the way to your fingertips. But the beauty will be gone, he or she looking haggard and strung-out—the party clearly over. Your lust will turn to ashes.

It’s impossible to know how their stories will play out, these provincials. Some move on to bigger cities with brighter lights. Some stay put and make a life of it. A few will even go back home to the boondocks. After all, even Wheatland has its charms.

No, wait, that’s going too far.

Sacramentans who get star-struck when they bump into the governor

Please. You should be outraged!

Sacramentans who get star-struck when they bump into the mayor

Please. You should be fuming mad!

Sacramentans who get star-struck when they bump into Steve Cohn

No, that wasn’t Alex Trebek.

Sacramentans who drive the wrong way on one-way streets

This is a Sacramento rite of passage, kind of like finally letting a fart squeak out in the presence of your significant other.

Nowadays, though, driving the wrong way down a one-way is an indictment of both our own inability to navigate these simple yet quirky lettered and numbered streets, and also the boneheads at City Hall, whose recent juggling of north, south, east and west has upped the ante insofar as how to misappropriate of tens of thousands of dollars.

Still, though, if you want a bang for your buck, then the cool $40,000 it takes to flip, say, 21st Street, is well worth the payoff. Just pull up a lawn chair during the commute, crack open a Schlitz and enjoy.

Sacramentans who are into safety

These people wear neon-green vests and helmets while still breaking the law by riding on the sidewalk. They’re oblivious to the rules of the road—or worse: Perhaps they think that the rules don’t apply to people wearing neon safety vests? Either way, these Sacramentans should be mocked mercilessly until they retreat to the bike lane.

Bros that bike on the sidewalk with a fleet of scantily clad women in tow

What a strange springtime courting ritual.

Causewayers

Davis commuters always appear so rested and calm when they finally arrive at Destination 916: What’s up with that? Everyone else looks like a wreck.

Commuters

Incidentally, those that commute without getting on a freeway always look worse off in the morning than the carbon-footprint crowd, who typically high-tail it in from places as deep as Rocklin. What’s up with that? I swear there’s some kind of correlation between Interstate 80 travel and those sci-fi time warps; you know, when 60 seconds becomes 59 and you end up living 20 years longer than the average urbanite. Or maybe it’s Armstrong & Getty?

Sacramentans who think that the space-time continuum doesn’t apply to them

Look, we don’t know yet if the timeline is constant and cannot be changed or if the timeline is flexible and it can be changed. This is something that we just don’t know. So there is a real chance that you could go back in time and fuck us all up. So how about you just don’t change a damn thing if or when you time travel? Just leave it the same. Just in case.

Flashers

Congrats: You just showed Nick Avey your rack and got on his Takeover Tokyo Web site. Takeover a number, too, while you’re at it.

Sacramentans who think that a new arena will make Sacramento a world-class city

These Sacramentans have never been to Tokyo, Paris, Rio de Janeiro or maybe even Lodi. We should feel sorry for these people.

Neighbors who never bring in their trash bin and, when you ask them about it, lie and say it’s someone else’s

Guilty.

Second Saturday vampires

It’s rumored that these Sacramentans rise from the dead, or maybe Elk Grove, for a few hours of weekend fun during the monthly art walk. It’s also rumored that cops just might do something about this; allegedly priests will bless all standard-issue ammunition before June 13.

Sacbee.com trolls

If you are someone who leaves comments below news stories on the Sacramento Bee’s Web site, chances are your politics are reactionary and inhumane and your heart flinty and cold.

Under a story about a child who drowned in the river, you might write, “Kids drown all the time. Why is this news? And Rodriguez? Was the kid even here legally?”

Your favorite rhetorical device is the reductio ad absurdum argument. For example, “So gays think Proposition 8 discriminates against them? Why not legalize cannibalism? After all, we shouldn’t discriminate against people eaters, either.”

Of course, your spelling and grammar won’t be that polished, but who has time for the niceties of style when there are so many to offend?

Sacramento Kings fans

Soon to be Golden State Warriors fans?

SN&R readers

A patient, forgiving bunch.

Patty Berms, Lindsay Hall, Jeff McCrory, Nick Miller and Olla Ubay—who helped compile this list—were inspired by a similar story recently published in Seattle’s The Stranger. That said, if you Seattleites steal our beloved Kings, well … good luck with that.