Mangling tech support

Dear Mexican:

I have some questions and observations. During George W. Bush’s administration, there was a lot of talk for and against comprehensive immigration reform (amnesty to some). One remark that I recall was stated by a Mexican that went something like, “Go back to Europe!!!!” Aren’t Mexicans of European descent also? Hello, colonized by Spain? I thought to myself, “Why don’t you go back to Europe? Unless you are puro indio, your roots from Europe also.” Immigration reform aside, what are your thoughts on going back to Europe?

—Murrieta Maven

Dear Gabacha:

Eh, we say that just to show how stupid gabachos yelling, “Go back to Mexico!” sound. The only Mexicans who truly believe gabachos should head back to Europe are indigenazi types who claim they’re the pure-blooded, 15th-linear descendant of Cuauhtémoc—while sporting facial hair straight from Extremadura.

Do Indians mangle Spanish as bad as they do English when you call a tech-support line? What I like about Mexicans is they are honest with you if they don’t understand what you just said. They ask you to say it again. And if you don’t understand a Mexican who is nobly attempting to learn that universal second language that is English, they try to say it again, more correctly. And Mexicans are grateful when you have helped them understand English a little bit better so they can communicate with you, without demanding you learn Spanish in return. Even in Mexico, Mexicans don’t mind if you don’t understand Spanish; they always take care that everybody can communicate with each other, even if it means they speak English in Mexico to a tourist whose Spanish vocabulary is limited to the Taco Bell menu. Unlike Indian tech support, who seem to want to punish you for not understanding as they attempt to read English sentences from a piece of paper that they have no interest in trying to understand. If they don’t get it right on the first try, then I have found that you should immediately hang up and call back hoping for somebody who can understand English. I have paid cancellation fees and returned electronics items only because of tech support that seems only interested in a sort of passive-aggressive jihad.

So, back to my question: How does a Mexican deal with Indian tech support? Do you have some wisdom on how to navigate nonnative speakers without having a stroke, Oh He Who Always Knows to Press Eight for Spanish?

—An American Consumer

Dear Gabacho:

We press “2.”

What do you think about just opening the U.S.-Mexico border (and, for that matter, all the borders in the world)? I think that a lot of people that go the United States illegally would much rather work in the United States for a few months and then go back to their home in Mexico and live off of the earnings for a while. You are a smart guy. I’m just curious what you think!

—Bordering on a Bonus

Dear Gabacho:

The Mexican has always been for open borders, if only because that’s been the American mantra since the days of Daniel Boone. I’d say more, but my column’s word count gets slashed every five years or so due to the death of print—yay, Internet! In other news, [cut, cut, cut].